Reel Bad Cinema: Laserblast (1978) review

LASERBLAST 1978

Kim Milford (Billy Duncan), Cheryl Smith (Kathy Farley), Gianni Russo (Tony Craig), Ron Masak (Sheriff), Eddie Deezen (Froggy), Mike Bobenko (Chuck), Keenan Wynn (Colonel Farley), Roddy McDowall (Dr. Mellon), Steve Neill (first humanoid alien)

Directed by Michael Rae

The Short Version: Don't make Billy angry. You won't like him when he's angry. And you might not like this Charles Band produced nonsense about a boy, a laser gun, and lizards from outer space. Billy turns into a green monster as a result of some unexplained alien possession via a fashionable interplanetary pendant and an accompanying arm attachment which Billy uses to blows things up in slow motion. The script was apparently among the items LASERBLASTed, as it often feels patched together. See Roddy McDowall and Keenan Wynn for about five minutes; and Eddie Deezen in his most villainous role! A BLAST for bad movie buffs.

Two benevolent looking lizard men from another galaxy land on Earth while chasing an alien fugitive. After a brief exchange of laser fire, they disintegrate their target, leaving only the humanoid creatures laser gun and pendant. Scared off by a passing airplane, the aliens leave. Later on, Billy, a bullied teenager finds both the alien weapon and necklace out in the desert. Upon placing the pendant around his neck, Billy begins to mutate, turning into a green monster, using the laser gun to exact revenge on those who've wronged him and those who get in his way.

After the release of STAR WARS (1977), a number of FX artists (some of which worked on the George Lucas's SciFi milestone) had assorted low budget projects of their own ready to go before the cameras. Many of these went unmade or unfinished, while others got financing. LASERBLAST is one such film; and one that was supposed to lead to the realization of what was then a near ten year limbo of an ambitious project from this films director of special effects, Dave Allen. 

One of those Late Night Movie mainstays from the late 70s and early 80s, LASERBLAST is often considered one of the worst movies ever made. It's not quite in that category (in this reviewers opinion), but it's not for a lack of trying, either. Michael Rae's first, and only directorial credit lies somewhere between the realm occupied by lovable C-grade hack Ed Wood and the insomnia curing crapola of Larry Buchanan. 

The story is an interesting SciFi version of WILLARD (1971) with its slighted outcast getting revenge against those who have wronged him. In this case, the rats are swapped out with a high-powered piece of alien hardware. A form of intergalactic bodily possession takes place, randomly turning our hero(?) into a green monster resulting in lots of explosions represented in the films title. But while the story holds a great deal of B movie potential, the execution is static, the performances are unengaging, the pace leaden, and the script is messier than a Sloppy Joe. The editing is key to the movies lethargy. Scenes go on much too long with nothing happening. Why do we need to see over a minutes worth of people in a pool splashing water?

Likewise, many things go unexplained in Frannie Schacht and Frank Ray Perelli's script. What is the metallic object growing in Billy's chest? Where are all the people in the small town while it's being blown to bits during the climax? Some things are just sort of laid out for the viewer to figure out. The origin of the gun, the pendant, and the demonic looking alien wielding them is never explained; but it's surmised that the gun only works with the amulet in close proximity of one another. When Billy wears it, the strange jewel lights up apparently acting as some sort of otherworldly Manitou--transforming Billy into a green, sharp-toothed monster. It also hinders his posture; he wanders, sometimes staggers around slumped over like an inebriated gorilla, hoisting his arms into the air when he blasts something and doing this weird dance with his arm laser that resembles what Leatherface did with his chainsaw.

The one appealing attribute that keeps the picture teetering mere inches from falling into the bowels of forgotten celluloid are the films special effects--silly as they are, the gravy and biscuits of LASERBLAST.

Well known animator Dave Allen (David W. Allen) was in charge of the stop-motion sequences, overseeing the design and building of the aliens and other related FX. Reportedly given an eight week time-frame with which to complete them, Allen stated at the time he didn't get to do as much of the animation as he would have liked because of his full-time duties as Stop-Motion Director at CPC Associates, a company that produced television commercials. Despite Dave Allen's sole screen credit, Randy Cook (THE DAY TIME ENDED, CAVEMAN, Q, GHOSTBUSTERS) was the primary animator for LASERBLAST.

We see these creatures five different times--once at the beginning, twice in space, and two more times (briefly) on Earth at the end. They have a turtle-like appearance in the face, and are seemingly on the friendly side of your typical alien invaders; and only interested in recapturing or killing the far more evil-looking fugitive alien they're chasing during the outset. At first, viewers were only going to see the aliens at the beginning and ending, but potential buyers were reportedly impressed with the answer print to the point that more animation was necessary.

Originally, the aliens were going to be brought to life with actors wearing makeup, but executive producer Charles Band changed his mind, deciding to go with stop-motion animation; which, considering how bad everything else turned out, ended up as the best choice. From there, then 10 year old lizard man models intended for the unrealized RAIDERS OF THE STONE RING (a film that later morphed into the still unrealized THE PRIMEVALS) were going to be used for the animation sequences. With the hope of one day bringing his pet project to fruition, Allen thought it best to create all new lifeforms for LASERBLAST. Another STAR WARS FX alumni, Jon Berg, designed and constructed the aliens.

Steve Neill (THE CRATER LAKE MONSTER, END OF THE WORLD, THE DARK) designed the infamous alien laser gun arm attachment; as well as the green creature makeup of the main star. Neill donned his own makeup to play the fugitive creature chased by the reptilian beings seen at the beginning of the movie.

Live-action footage took place over a three week period in California and the Mojave Desert. The lean shooting schedule and miniscule budget may have yielded some decent FX, but everything else suffers, particularly the acting. 

Star Kim Milford made his big screen debut in LASERBLAST. A man of many talents (he starred in stage versions of Jesus Christ, Superstar and The Rocky Horror Picture Show), LASERBLAST isn't a good example of them. Further linking the film to the STAR WARS craze, Milford was working with Mark Hamill on CORVETTE SUMMER (then known as STINGRAY) at the same time. Milford died at only 37 from heart failure not long after having open-heart surgery.

Cheryl Smith (Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith) amassed a sizable resume of exploitation movies during her short film career. The former member of The Runaways had roles in such films as LEMORA (1973), CAGED HEAT (1974), THE POM POM GIRLS (1976), DRUM (1976), and PARASITE (1982). Much like the rest of the cast, she seems totally disinterested in the material she's given. Sadly, things didn't end well for the promising actress. Drugs ruined her career, and Hepatitis took her at the age of 47 in 2002.

Of all the bizarre things in LASERBLAST, easily the champion weird moment is the casting of perennial nerd king Eddie Deezen... as a bully! Yes, America's favorite four-eyed dweeb is Froggy, the toady of Chuck, the muscular thug; both of whom give Billy a bit of a problem. It's surreal to see Deezen oppressing anybody, and even more curious seeing him threaten to throttle Billy after what appears to be an attempted rape of his girlfriend! Thankfully, an imposing tennis racket was lying around to fend them off.

There are a couple of big names in LASERBLAST, and it's perplexing as to why they appeared. Their paycheck must have eaten up a good portion of the budget, but their obvious conviction is welcome to waken the viewer from the molasses level of delivery of most of the cast. Both Keenan Wynn and Roddy McDowall (whose last name is misspelled 'McDowell' in the end credits) appear for approximately 5 minutes each. Their throwaway roles could have been played by anybody, and are on hand for added marquee value. They're a welcome sight, and do fill in some of the wide open spaces of mediocrity the film resides in.

LASERBLAST II was announced in the mid 1980s, but never materialized. The original synopsis had boy scouts finding the alien weapon somewhere in Iowa. Near bankruptcy, Charles Band's Empire Pictures managed to squeeze out a remake of LASERBLAST in 1989 titled DEADLY WEAPON.

One of Charles Band's most memorable movies (I can't believe I just typed that), LASERBLAST is one of those films best appreciated at a certain age; but upon escaping adolescence, you wonder what was so great about it. The storyline itself works best for young kids; the way Billy acts when first finding the laser gun in the desert is akin to a kid obtaining a brand new toy. In a strange way, LASERBLAST succeeds because of its boyhood, maybe even "immature" mentality. Some will remember it best as an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000; and others will remember it from its Drive-in days, or repeat airings on Shock Theater and the Late Night Movie when STAR WARS was all the rage, opening doors for filmmakers with big ideas, but occasionally small budgets to realize them.

This review is representative of the Full Moon DVD. Extras and specs: Trailers; 1.85:1 non-anamorphic (box says 1.66:1).

Chang's Dirty Dozen: The Goriest, Most Spectacular Death Scenes in Chang Cheh's Cinema

 
When it comes to testosterone-fueled macho movies, the Godfather of Hong Kong Cinema has left an influential mark on the industry of action all around the world. Spearheading a trend of increasing violence, and or downbeat endings, Chang Cheh was seemingly attempting to outdo himself with each new film bearing his name. Many other filmmakers competed in this bloody big screen battle; but in the end, it was Chang Cheh's stylized violence that stood the test of time with his signature bare-chested and bloodied hero who dies standing up, and eyes wide open. Below are twelve examples (plus some honorable mentions) of Chang's sense of gory heroism and shock value used to heighten his fight sequences. 

***If you haven't seen any Chang Cheh movies and are curious, you may want to skip this article.***

"You should reach the limits of virtue before you cross the border to death."--Spartan poet, Tyrtaeus

1. THE ASSASSIN (1967)

One of Chang Cheh's best movies is this, his second film following the groundbreaking success of THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (1967). While that film showed violence on a scale unseen at that time, THE ASSASSIN gave viewers a hero who literally spilled his guts to the world. During the finale, Wang Yu, knowing full well he will not survive, walks brazenly into the enemy's stronghold and lays waste to everyone like blades of grass cut with a lawnmower. He even slices his own belly open, preferring to die by his own hand while mutilating his face(!) to keep harm from coming to those he loves. This innovative style of 'One Against Many' would reach outrageous levels in other Chang Cheh bloodbaths like GOLDEN SWALLOW (1968) and THE BOXER FROM SHANTUNG (1972); but THE ASSASSIN, hot on the heels of macho spectacle THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (1967), cultivated Chang's garden of gore that would produce a bountiful crop of carnage for years to come.

2. THE HEROIC ONES (1970)

One of the best, most lavish HK productions ever is this 2.5 million tale of treachery and greed among warlords and a family literally torn apart. Chang Cheh was in full-bore battle mode staging large scale epicness that dwarfed everything that had come before it. Blood flies freely and frequently, but nothing quite prepares you for one of HK cinemas greatest shock moments near the films climax. David Chiang had risen to popularity relatively quickly, so his fans were in for a big surprise seeing him drawn and quartered in stylistically gruesome fashion. Tricked by two of his duplicitous brothers, the young General Li has his arms, legs, and head torn off and dragged while buckets of that famous Shaw shade of red trails horses and strewn viscera. THE HEROIC ONES contains another famous sequence--Ti Lung's last stand; an extended sequence that ranks among the best that vintage HK martial arts cinema has to offer.

3. THE NEW ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (1971)

Speaking of Ti Lung, one half of the Iron Triangle with David Chiang and Director Chang Cheh, he was rewarded with a magnificently splattery demise of his own in this movie. In some ways, Ti Lung's death scene is more of a shocker than David's in THO. You expect him to bloodily bow out, but not quite in this fashion, nor as sudden. Injured and outnumbered, Ti Lung is strung up by his arms and legs and viciously cut in half! The sequence is extremely well done and edited; and is more powerful for not being too overly graphic in execution. Just as disturbing is how non-chalantly the villains' subordinates step over his bisected corpse seemingly oblivious to the gruesome mess on the floor. Another aspect of this scene that stands out is how utterly barbaric it is. Ti Lung's swordsman character is the typical chivalrous knight indigenous to the directors celluloid lands, so for him to die in such an ignoble way is doubly shocking.

Honorary Mention #1: MEN FROM THE MONASTERY (1974)

Chang Cheh's worst of his Shaolin cycle is filled with action, but suffers from lethargy despite its innovative, three part story arc that comes together during the last half. Thankfully, the director doesn't slack during the climax--a conclusion so damn bloody, nearly the entire sequence is in B/W. There's blood all over the place as Shaolin heroes and heroines are sliced, diced, and run through left, right, and center. Very mediocre, but more than enough blood and sweat to make it worth seeing at least once.

Honorary Mention #2: BOXER REBELLION (1975)

Chang Cheh's 137 minute super-epic fluctuates between sweeping grandeur, dramatic resonance, and large scale action sequences. Unfortunately, it fails at these as often as it succeeds. To use the oft-heard English dubbed phrase... But still, during the conclusion, Fu Sheng goes out with a bang trying to protect his girlfriend, taking on a small army of Japanese soldiers armed with rifles and bayonets. You can guess the rest.

4. THE BOXER FROM SHANTUNG (1972)

Chang Cheh's award winning VENGEANCE! (1970) took the 'One Against Many' device of THE ASSASSIN and modified it in an even more brutally artistic way; taking it to an entirely new level of onscreen Fist & Kick sadism. Chen Kuan Tai became another star attraction of the venerable director once audiences witnessed the bloody carnage of historical hero Ma Yung Chen relieving dozens of gangsters of their plasma while his own sangria pours from a hatchet wound! This being Chang Cheh cinema, his heroes are destined to go out in style. An influential, and genre defining production that was remade and ripped off a number of times with lesser results. A sequel, MAN OF IRON, was already in the planning stages before BOXER ever debuted, and it features Chen Kuan Tai playing essentially in the same role, but took place some years later.

5. ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS (1973/released in 1975)

It was a monumental event when Shaw's brought the famous novel 'The Water Margin' to the screen in 1972. Chang Cheh directed while simultaneously working on other movies that were side stories, or sequels. The latter applies to ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS, not only the sequel to Chang's THE WATER MARGIN, but also the bloodiest movie of Chang Cheh's career--and that's saying something. Beginning under the working title of 'Story of Punishment', that moniker suited the proceedings perfectly. A Men (and one woman) On A Mission movie, it's essentially a string of vignettes showcasing each of the heroes dying in the most noble, and gruesome ways imaginable. Heavily censored upon its release, the current DVD and Blu versions are a revelation, yet bits of brutality remain missing.

 

6. SHAOLIN MARTIAL ARTS (1974)

Yu Pi (Wang Lung Wei) had no idea Pa Chung (Chi Kuan Chun) was going to rip his intestines out during the finale of SHAOLIN MARTIAL ARTS. When you're virtually invulnerable, why should you expect this particular fight will be your last? Having learned Wing Chun style in secret, Pa Chung puts Yu out of his misery with bloody ease while Yu writhes around in agony longer than it took him to have his insides shown to him. Even with this being a Chang Cheh movie, you're not quite prepared for a large intestine to come rolling out. Draped in a red-tinted screen to ensure the shot isn't lost to the censor, Chang Cheh knew how to turn your stomach and be an artist all at the same time. Balancing action, drama, and characterization, this film is a highlight in the directors career.

Honorary Mention #3: 7 MAN ARMY (1976)

Chang Cheh's 'One Against Many' template is taken to absurd extremes in this jaw-dropping story of blood, blades, and bullets. And it's based on a true story! Seven Chinese soldiers are besieged by thousands of Japanese and Mongolian troops while trying to hold down an abandoned fortress. An epic war movie in every sense of the word. Starring all of Shaw's biggest male stars of the day, everybody dies, and everybody dies gloriously.

Honorary Mention #4: KID WITH THE GOLDEN ARM (1978)

One of Chang Cheh's least enthralling films (yet it's a favorite of many fans), it often looks and feels like a stage play. Its comic book flavor, colorful costumes, and even more colorful gore save it from pure mediocrity. Severely cut for television, highlights include Wei Pai's intestines twisted out of his body with his own sword; a double impalement homicide ending in both combatants ripping their weapons from out the other side of each other; and Lo Mang punches clean through kicker Sun Chien with his Golden Arm!

7. DISCIPLES OF SHAOLIN (1975)

This reworking of Chang's own box office smash THE BOXER FROM SHANTUNG (1972) ended up being his biggest theatrical hit in HK. It surpasses its source in a few ways; mainly in that it humanizes its central character unlike the near Iron Man of the earlier work starring Chen Kuan Tai. DISCIPLES isn't particularly gory, but one major set piece is--succeeding in drumming up an incredible amount of pathos in the process. That scene is the death of the hero--ironically, coming before the actual finale. Injured after being ambushed and stabbed, Guan Feng Yi (Alexander Fu Sheng) heads off to settle the score, anyways. Dressed all in white (symbolic of death, not to mention the blood shows up better), Guan's wound is discovered after laying waste to most of Boss Ha's (Chiang Tao) men. From there, Guan begins to bleed profusely and wear down. From here the film switches to B/W, only changing back to color once Guan is dead. Quite possibly the directors finest hour, he milks the drama and the shocks for all it's worth.

8. MARCO POLO (1975)

Less about the Italian traveler than oppressed Chinese fighting Mongol conquerors, MARCO POLO (known more suitably as 4 ASSASSINS overseas) sits proudly among Chang's manliest outings, and the closest he came to directing a Sword and Sandal style epic. Tang Yen San is turned into a literal Hercules through training in Tai Chi. He literally brings the house down during the no-holds-barred finale, using stone blocks from the walls he tore asunder with his bare hands to deliver instant death to scores of spear-wielding automatons. Naturally he doesn't come away unscathed, ultimately bearing the sort of bloody battle scars (stab wounds and massive blood loss) of all your finer Chang Cheh heroes. 

9. INVINCIBLE SHAOLIN (1978)

The Venom Era of Chang's career isn't the spectacle of his earlier days, but there's more than enough raw, heroically powerful moments to go around. INVINCIBLE SHAOLIN, aka UNBEATABLE DRAGON is one such picture. The unique storyline acts as the impetus to make the finale all the more forceful. Once the heroes (yes, they're all good guys set up to kill each other) realize who the real villains are, it's too late. After a lengthy, and varied set of duels, the finality of these fights comes swiftly, yet packed with ferocity as our six men take on a slew of Manchu soldiers who ambush them. Naturally most die a heroes death--each different from the other, but two manage to escape to fight another day. Chang's film was marketed as SHAOLIN BLOODSHED in Hong Kong.

Honorary Mention #5: TWO CHAMPIONS OF SHAOLIN (1980)

It starts off great, has a fiercely exciting finale, but a weak middle. This soap-opera reworking of the far superior THE SHAOLIN AVENGERS (1976) has some wacky death scenes. Two of the best involve Chiang Sheng ripping Chiu Shing Chan's testicles off in mid-air, and Chiang Sheng again, literally bashing Chan Shu Kei's brains out. He hits him so hard in the back of the head, his brains spray(!) out of the back of his head!

Honorary Mention #6: TEN TIGERS OF KWANG TUNG (1980)

Considering all the troubles incurred during this films production, it's a wonder it wasn't shelved. It's still one of the directors worst movies. It's rescued somewhat by ridiculously over the top violence. Liang Yao Wen is stabbed square in the head with a dagger concealed in a jug; Lung Tien Sheng is impaled on the spear that has pinned both him and Wang Li to a gambling table--he simply grabs the end and removes himself! The showstopper is Kuo Chui drop-kicking Kuan Feng's head off!

10. FLAG OF IRON (1980)

Articulation in fight choreography replaced the more raw, unrefined choreo of the pre '75 era. The flow of blood wasn't as exaggerated, but its creativity was. Chang's clout in the company wasn't what it used to be in the 80s, but that didn't stop the director from coming up with new methods of death for his heroes and their foes. FLAG is a remake of Chang's THE DUEL (1971). Lung Tien Sheng is the mysterious anti-hero, the Spearman of Death (the films English title), and his weapon of choice is a modified spear that he uses like a hunter would use a rifle. Spearheads can be fired from the weapon, and it has some other hidden features as well. One of the films highlights is the Spearman's demise wherein he's run through by that sneaky bastard Lu Feng. The Spearman rectifies this by pulling himself away from the spear, the flag unraveling drenched in his blood. Naturally, with this being a Chang Cheh film the Spearman doesn't let a hole in his stomach stop him from killing about 50 guys before he dies--and dies standing up, at that.

11. MASKED AVENGERS (1981)

Chang's penchant for impalement akin to the stagey violence of Peking Opera reached its zenith with this martial world mystery movie about a vicious gang of trident bearing masked savages who rape women and drink human blood in their spare time. The action is plentiful, but brief. The suspense builds (if you've seen any of the Venom movies it's not that big a mystery as to the identity of at least two of the masked chiefs) to a fabulously fast-paced final battle in a booby-trap laden, dilapidated temple. Choreographers (and stars) Kuo Chui, Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng, and Chu Ko have devised one of the wildest end fights of 80s HK cinema; and paired with a generous amount of Chang's patented blend of blood and heroism, you've got a powerful combination. It's everything Chang's HOUSE OF TRAPS (1982) should have been.

12. FIVE ELEMENT NINJAS (1982)

Chang Cheh's next to last movie for Shaw Brothers before moving on to the independent Netherlands is a veritable cornucopia of carnage. There's so many amazing sequences, naming a single one of them as the best is a difficult, if impossible task. For this list, the chosen scene is generally the one that most people always talk about upon witnessing the garishly colored greatness that is FIVE ELEMENT NINJAS. During the first encounter with the Earth Element, Chao Kuo is ambushed by Earth ninjas; only he isn't ambushed head-on, but from beneath the Earth. These nasty ninjas hide below ground and stab upwards with their spears, piercing the mighty warrior right between the legs. The average man would call it a day after just one stab wound, but this is Chang Cheh's world, after all. Not only does Chao Kuo continue dueling ninjas, but he takes seven stabs to the groin till his guts begin dragging along the ground behind him. Charging the main villain, his guts get in the way, and upon accidentally stepping on them, the main villain (Chen Hui Min in a genre defining role) slices his chest open, putting an end to this hero's quest--a hero with a lot of guts.