The Best of Tales From the Darkside Season 3

Season Two of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE was another late-night success ensuring a 3rd season would creep up on ya' the next year. The DARKSIDE was so popular, the financiers ordered not one, but two seasons worth of programming; so 42 episodes were produced--24 for season three and 18 for season four. While the style and variety of the series remained largely unchanged, the opening title font was altered from a blood-dripping text to one with a Gothic appeal.

The Circus (originally aired September 28th, 1986)

Brash newspaper reporter Mr. Bragg takes his job seriously; so seriously that he receives great joy in exposing various sideshow charlatans for his paper. On one particularly dark and stormy night, a car accident brings him to Dr. Nis's Exhibition of Wonder, a carnival he's diligently pursued for review for a long time. Run by the sinister Dr. Nis, Bragg quickly learns there's nothing fake about Nis's grotesque attractions.

George Romero's second teleplay for his popular 80s horror series is one of the most FX-heavy, and certainly darkest, of the entire run. Every season opener up to now piled on the ghouls and 'The Circus' keeps with that tradition. Directed by Michael Gornick (season two's 'The Devil's Advocate'), it is unique in that it's a mini-Universal Monster Mash. There's a vampire, a werewolf, a reanimated Frankenstein-style monster, and a mummy. One shot is a surprisingly gruesome homage to Stuart Gordon's zombie classic, RE-ANIMATOR (1985).

William Hickey (before he was the PUPPET MASTER in 1989) is fantastic as Mr. Nis (pronounced 'Neese'). Ed French, who played the vampire and the reanimated creature, did the makeup FX with James Chai (FRANKENHOOKER [1990]) assisting. Hope Perello's HOWLING VI: THE FREAKS (1991) expanded on the idea of a monster-filled freakshow. 'The Circus' is a ghoulish attraction, and a great opening act for season three.

The Geezenstacks (originally aired October 26th, 1986)

"...I think there's something odd about Audrey's dolls."

A relative of the Hummel family, a real estate agent, gives their daughter Audrey a large dollhouse left behind by residents of an empty home. Almost immediately, strange things begin to occur. Sam Hummel finds that whatever imaginary activities Audrey entertains with the dolls spills over into reality.

A macabre spin on the killer doll theme, Bill Travis (his second of four episodes) directs with such precision, this could've easily been stretched out to feature length. Subtle tension and an unusually good, melancholic music score creep the show along to its shock finish. The doll designers redefine sinister by giving the Geezenstacks a supernatural quality with their blank, evil faces. Craig Wasson (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS [1986]) is the family bread winner who quickly notices something seriously wrong with their daughter's new toys. A modern day fairy tale of the darkest kind.

Black Widows (originally aired November 2nd, 1986)

"I feel like I just swallowed a horse... without chewing." 

Mildred Webster and her daughter Audrey live in a California trailer park. Audrey's mother seems to have a negative view of men, bearing a dim view of her daughter being engaged to a very thin man. What Audrey doesn't yet know is that the women in her family are literal black widows, embroiled in a web of murder.

Quirky from beginning to end, 'Black Widows' subverts adolescence, puberty, and sex into a darkly comical coming-of-age horror story. A young spider woman who hasn't yet realized she's a genuine man-eater, grows into maturity while growing a culinary taste for the opposite sex. The mother and daughter discuss "boys" in a way totally unlike mothers explaining to their daughters about womanhood and where babies come from. 

Since they're arachnids who occasionally occupy human bodies, we never see a full-sized spider, but FX man Bryan Moore manages some spider claws and a corpse drained of its fluids.

Baker's Dozen (originally aired November 23rd, 1986)

Advertiser Henry Hogan wants to move up in the world and desires to know the secret ingredient in Ruby Cuzzins's cookies. Upon learning she's a bayou voodoo priestess, Hogan uses a Baker's Dozen of accursed cookies to eliminate obstacles keeping him from the top of the ad agency ladder. When Ruby discovers what Hogan has done, she plots a sweet tasting revenge... yet receives her own just desserts in the end.

George Romero's fourth and last writing credit for this series is as good as his previous three. All four are uniformly dark, but varied in plot. Much like Savini's exceptional skill as a director on TALES, it's a shame Romero didn't contribute more stories... a Romero zombie segment would've been fantastic. His exposition is extraordinarily strong in 'Baker's Dozen'; it's so robust, the episode could've been stretched to feature-length what with the mini-arcs of Hogan's perceived infidelity and Cuzzins's hatred for her father, who works as her janitor.

None of the characters are free of guilt; Larry Manetti (of MAGNUM P.I. fame), seen previously in season 2's 'Printer's Devil', is sympathy-free as Hogan. Ruby Cuzzins is one of DARKSIDEs prime villainess's. Mabel King (GANJA AND HESS; THE WIZ; THE GONG SHOW MOVIE) is utterly terrifying as the proprietor of the black magic bakery. The double twist ending is a gory highlight even if comeuppance of the two antagonists (there's no real protagonist) isn't shown in graphic detail.

Seasons of Belief (originally aired December 29th, 1986)

"The only people who have ever seen The Grither, are the people he's eaten up."

Impatiently sitting around the fireplace on Christmas Eve, two children wish to hear a story so their father spins the sordid tale of The Grither, a nasty monster that lives in the Arctic. The father warns his kids should they utter his name, The Grither will come for them. The young son, Jimbo and his sister Stefa scoff at the notion of The Grither being real; but as the wind howls louder and strange sounds are heard in the night, an unlikely visitor makes believers out of them.

Outside of Romero, Michael McDowell was arguably the best writer on DARKSIDE--not counting novelists like Robert Bloch who contributed to the series. McDowell's work graces 11 episodes; most of which are on these lists. A really good entry, he both wrote (adapted from a story by Michael Bishop) and directed--this being his only directing credit. Foreshadowing future Christmas horror like KRAMPUS (2015), 'Seasons of Belief' quietly builds its menace till exploding in a monstrously violent, shock finish.

E.G. Marshall, Mr. Pratt from the memorable 5th segment of CREEPSHOW (1982), plays the father with an all-too real imagination.

My Ghostwriter, the Vampire (originally aired February 1st, 1987)

Struggling horror writer Peter Prentice receives an unusual proposition from a vampire... 900 years of bloodsucker stories in exchange for "living quarters" within his apartment.

One of the best of the humorous TALES has a darker edge to it than some of the outright lighter toned segments. Frank De Palma (in his 7th of 8 shows he helmed) moves everything along at a fair clip. The actors' delivery are key to this episode's success. For example, Jeff Conaway's Peter Prentice is woefully unlikable but the teleplay and his performance make him likable.

Roy Dotrice is especially good as Count Draco, a French jugular drainer who quickly grasps the American Way once he realizes Prentice is making big bucks off his toothy tales. A great bit has Prentice's apartment containing a hidden room; the way to access it is via a dummy noggin with an axe buried in its forehead! Essentially, this is a modified version of season 2's 'Printer's Devil'.

The Swap (originally aired March 3rd, 1987) 

Bubba, a disease-riddled millionaire, is married to a beautiful younger woman who has the hots for Claude the hunky handyman. The son of a Louisiana bayou sorceress, Bubba is tinkering around with the 'Transmigration of the Spirits' spell, but one of the key ingredients is faded in his momma's old magic book. Demanding his wife Annabelle "play house" with him every night if she wants his millions once he kicks the bucket, both Annabelle and Claude conspire to speed the process along.

DARKSIDE carved out its own identity but certain segments often felt like they'd fit comfortably within the framework of the THE TWILIGHT ZONE; or the award winning TALES FROM THE CRYPT cable series adapted from the old Tales From the Crypt comic books. In the case of 'The Swap', it feels exactly like the sort of story presented in the latter. Similar to the Crypt tale from issue #45 from 1954, 'The Switch', this Richard Benner penned story is knee-deep in greed and bodily desire. One of the more uncomfortable episodes, the grody appearance of Bubba with his pus-infused sores, humpback, and Acromegaly of the hands and feet are suitably grotesque. Ed French (assisted by James Chai) once more created the unpleasant makeup FX.

Tales of Missed Opportunities: Thieving is believing

Heretic (originally aired November 9th, 1986)

A thieving art dealer named Harte gets his hands on a priceless 16th century painting excavated from the ruins of a Spanish monastery. Visited one evening by a mysterious monk to return the items, he refuses, suddenly finding himself before an inquisitor demanding he repent for his crimes lest he suffer for eternity.

A morality tale about the 'greedy vs. the needy', Edith Swensen's 6th of 10 TALES begins strong but confesses its sin of failing to finish on a satisfying note. One of the more abrupt endings, it's as if Ms. Swensen hadn't the time to properly end the segment. The shooting schedules were reportedly so tight, they'd be filming while the next set was being constructed. Regardless, despite the eerie painting being a major plot point, the story doesn't quite end the way you might be thinking.

The melding of St. Bartholomew with a Spanish Inquisition angle makes for interesting storytelling, if only the ending could convince a jury of viewers. Roberts Blossom, Ezra Cobb of DERANGED (1974), is the Inquisitor.

Tales of Missed Opportunities: Black Magic Women

Auld Acquaintances (originally aired March 1st, 1987)

Two witches make a pact they will share a powerful, demonic talisman for an entire year before passing it on to the other. Three hundred years later, they meet as usual only one of them is impatient to wait two more weeks for the stars to be properly aligned for the transfer.

Arguably the wittiest script from Edithe Swensen, this was her 9th of 10 DARKSIDE jobs. Easily one of the best 'single-set' episodes, the entirety of the 21+ minutes is the two ladies bickering between centuries over the talisman. The banter between them is good; the disparities between them well drawn. Mary Hobbs, the more homely of the two, is content being the pop culture witch while Elizabeth Eaton uses her powers for an easy lifestyle and success. with nods to the Salem Witch Trials of 1692. The show moves along at a quick pace, taking advantage of the limited resources. It's played for mild laughs but never outright farcical as is the case with so many entries in this series. Still, it's such a basic premise with nothing overly fantastical, nor visually disturbing that most won't find much of interest.

The third season of horror has come to an end. Fantastic creatures and supernatural shenanigans are soon to return for the fourth and final season.... until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

31 (2016) review

 
31

Sherri Moon Zombie (Charly), Jeff Daniel Phillips (Roscoe Pepper), Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (Panda Thomas), Meg Foster (Venus Virgo), Kevin Jackson (Levon Wally), Malcolm McDowell (Father Napoleon Horatio Silas Murder), Jane Carr (Sister Serpent), Judy Geeson (Sister Dragon), Richard Brake (Doom Head), Pancho Moler (Sick Head), David Ury (Schizo Head), Lew Temple (Psycho Head), Torsten Voges (Death Head), E.G. Daily (Sex Head), Michael "Red Bone" Alcott (Fat Randy), Esperanza America (Snoopy), Andrea Dora (Trixie), Tracey Walter (Lucky Leo), Ginger Lynn Allen (Cherry Bomb), Daniel Roebuck (Pastor Victor)

Directed by Rob Zombie

The Short Version: Rob Zombie's newest hillbilly freakshow finds an homogeneous group of Texas carnies captured by, of all things, European aristocrats doused in powder who force them to play a Halloween all-nighter called 31. The game requires they be chased by psychopathic clowns with chainsaws, axes and knives. If they survive 12 hours, they can go free. Viewers only have to survive 103 minutes of this garbage. Partially funded by his fans, the result is as hazardous as deep fried Twinkies but tastes nowhere near as good. Excruciating to watch, Rob Zombie's plotless nightmare is an endurance test of horrible storytelling and more atrocious dialog than you can squeeze into a clown car.

On Halloween night, a van-load of carnival workers are captured by a posse of insane clowns. They are taken to an abandoned factory where three British aristocrats gather once a year to play '31', a psychotic death game where participants are given 12 hours to survive the night while selected gladiatorial clowns hunt them down for sport.

Step right up for the lamest show on Earth. Rob Zombie's ultimate clown opus falls well short of its greasepaint-fueled aspirations. With just 1.5 million to play with, a grand, Big Top nightmare is unattainable; settling for five soulless, interchangeable characters being stalked inside an abandoned factory by a bunch of Europeans in the Southern United States(???). There's only one sequence that resembles a carnival motif; the rest of the time it's the same bland color palette of all your finer post-apocalyptic cheapies shot in and around rusted-out factories.

If the setting couldn't get any less enticing, Zombie is yet again clownin' around with his script; fillin' it full o' expletives, rousingly bad dialog, interminably juvenile sex talk, and the most unfunny jokes imaginable. Zombie has said in interviews he makes his characters real.... in what universe is this? Extremely mean-spirited, nasty and foul, the director fails once more to capitalize on his cruelty--it being undone by mercilessly over-the-top characters and the elementary school level dialog he gives them to speak.

Regarding the script, this is one of the most pointless of recent memory. There's absolutely zero redeeming qualities. Populated by a plethora of underwritten characters, the film is left with nothing but its blood and gore to sell itself... yet Zombie finds a way to make sadism boring. The kills are the Zombie standard--just stab a dozen or more times; or sever something after delivering the director's four-letter favorite. The goriest sequence (it involves a chainsaw) is a carbon copy of the same death from the underrated THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006); only in that film you can actually see what's happening. Speaking of what you can't see.....

Haters of shaky cam, prepare for photography that looks like the DP had his camera strapped to his back during a bar fight. The camera is constantly moving--zigzagging, turned to the side, or this awkward, jagged, zoom-in and zoom-out. You can't even appreciate Wayne Toth's FX because the cameraman thinks you can see it all better while he does jumping jacks. The action scenes fare the worst since you can't make out what the hell is happening.

 
There's one particularly good scene--a dinner scene--that riffs on a similar one from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975). Elsewhere, Zombie incorporates this eerie musical marionette display that recalls TOURIST TRAP (1978). Other nods are in the music; you'll hear a distinctly familiar cue of unsettling dissonance from SUSPIRIA (1977) and another from THE FOG (1980).

What little creativity of 31 begins and ends with its title--the significance being the last day in October. Set on October 31st, 1976, Zombie's fascination with the holiday never translates to the film's atmosphere. We hear 'Happy Halloween' several times but not once does the movie capture that autumnal flavor. The first 30 minutes defaults to Zombie's usual remake of Hooper's THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) before mutating into SALO (1975) meets THE RUNNING MAN (1987) by way of HOSTEL (2005).

If you've seen his previous examples of Hillbilly Horror, you already know what to expect. 31 could easily be a quasi-sequel to his Firefly flicks. Even Zombie's HALLOWEEN abortions resemble REJECTS close cousins. After trying to display some diversity with the wearisome witch tale, LORDS OF SALEM (2012), the director regresses, returning to the safe-haven of his carnival oasis.

Malcolm McDowell, seemingly inspired by the GANDHI (1982) and SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993) actor, Ben Kingsley's forays into trash cinema, is enjoying(?) a similar trajectory. To compare the two, Kingsley has only done a single Uwe Boll trainwreck, while McDowell has managed to star in, thus far, three of Rob Zombie's pratfall horrors. McDowell made a horrible Sam Loomis in the two HALLOWEEN do-overs; and evokes nothing as the powder-headed lord of some pompous order of devil-worshipers in 31. This isn't McDowell's fault, but Zombie's for writing such a worthless character for him to play and giving him nothing of substance to say.

Sheri Moon Zombie is once more a headliner in her husband's movie.... and, unlike her star turn in the sleep-inducing LORDS OF SALEM (2012), she doesn't feel like this movie's lead. She's in nearly every scene but you never "see" her. She, like most everybody else, has a personality equatable to the rusted metal of the film's primary setting. The pinnacle of her performance is dry-jacking Tracey Walters (CONAN THE DESTROYER [1984]), playing a caricature of a hick gas station attendant. Mrs. Zombie gets a lot of flack for her acting, but in this case, she's given nothing memorable to do nor anything to say worth remembering.

Richard Brake keeps his foot on the accelerator as Doom Head, the film's one character of substance.... but unfortunately, he gets drunk on the retarded dialog and Zombie excess, eventually crashing into a wall, becoming yet another casualty of this fruitless exercise. If Brake looks familiar, he was the doomed ambulance attendant in HALLOWEEN 2 (2009). If you recall, he spends a few minutes looking into the camera and inexplicably spouts 'FUCK' a couple dozen times after the driver rams into a cow crossing the road. As Doom Head, Brake's murderous jester is reminiscent of Bill Moseley's Otis from Zombie's previous freakshows but with shorter hair.

The other clowns are, for all their variance, as bland as everything else. Bearing names like Sick Head (a Spanish Nazi midget); Psycho Head (wielding a chainsaw that says 'Dick Head' on it); Schizo Head (the other half of the redneck chainsaw tag-team); Sex Head (a creepy, Harley Quinn type); Death Head (a German weirdo wearin' a tutu); some others are mentioned--blessed with such creative monikers as Bash Head and Rage Head--but never seen.

Meg Foster, having played a boring witch in LORDS OF SALEM, returns to Zombie Land for a much bigger role, but no less staying power. As Venus Virgo--the owner of the traveling carnival--Foster is no more distinguishable than anybody else in the cast. She's a tough character but Zombie does nothing to allow her to stand out. Cut like Linda Hamilton in TERMINATOR 2 (1991) but looking like Boris Karloff in THE MUMMY (1932), Foster does get to appear in the film's sole tense send-off. Foster is a fine actress. It's embarrassing watching her deliver Zombie's infantile dialog since so much of it is poisoned by unnecessary dollops of vaginal or phallic jargon.

Do you remember WELCOME BACK, KOTTER (1975-1979)? The former Sweathog, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, sums up 31 best with the line, "all I see is a bunch of nothin'". Lawrence was Washington on the cult TV show, but is nearly unrecognizable playing a Jamaican carny. He does fine playing his role, only again, he's given very little to do or say of any importance. It's not possible to root for, or care about, people who are written as stick figures.

Unable to secure financing from the usual methods, Zombie went the crowdfunding route. What's interesting about this is that Mr. Zombie claims he's making a political statement with his movie--about the 'Haves and the Have Nots'. The absurdity of this is that, while taking his successful career as a musician into consideration, his net worth of 40 million dollars eclipses the average income of the people he's begging money from. Granted, the amount of money from fans was only a portion of an already minuscule budget.

The first of two Crowdfunding campaigns began in July of 2014 with the re-launch in February of 2015. Eventually, Bow + Arrow Entertainment picked up the tab co-financing with another company called Protagonist Pictures. It's telling that regular citizens were needed to punch up the movie if studios didn't have enough faith to fully finance what is ostensibly a shoe-string budget. But hey, all the better to capture that 70s vibe... one thing Rob Zombie does do well; he can at least be counted on to capture the right look and atmosphere.

Originally, distribution of 31 was to be handled by indie company Alchemy, but financial problems caused the picture to be sold off to another indie outfit, Saban Films. Strangely, instead of a limited release, the film received a limited-limited release... in 400 theaters for one night only, on September 1st, 2016; or, you could see it on iTunes. The film is set for another limited run on October 20th... for one night, and one showing, only.

Writing a Rob Zombie review is as redundant as the film's themselves; and like his previous efforts, the director does manage some fleeting moments that shows a really good filmmaker just itching to wipe off the clown makeup and find himself. Sadly, it appears as long as Zombie is writing his movies, they're as doomed as the characters in 31... and the viewers watching it. 

Running time: 01:43:10.