Friday, January 23, 2026

Portrait In Crystal (1983) review



 
PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL 1983 (Chinese title: CRYSTAL MAN)

Jason Pai Piao (Lung Fei), Liu Yu Po (Crystal), Wang Jung (Prince Jin Tian Di), Chen Szu Chia (Du Sha), Chin Huang (Fatty), Teng Wei Hao (Poison Yama), Lin Hsiu Chun (Jade), Hsiao Yu Ming (Poison Yama's Son), Wu Yu Fen (Zi Juan), Hon Lai Fan (Pearl)

Directed by Hua Shan

The Short Version: Director Hua Shan returned to Swordplay Horror immediately after completing THE BLOODY PARROT (1981) with the exploitation-heavy PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL—a film that went through a lot of changes in its storyline and the tone of the film. Based on a novel by horror writer Huang Ying, it’s a confusing, mess of a movie but one that thrives on atmosphere, gore and splashy special effects. If popcorn flicks are your thing, get ready to overdose on garishly decorated, cramped sets; flying skulls; laser light shows; a Phantom of the Opera-style villain; deadly traps; exploding bodies; ghosts; and lots of frantic sword action that easily overpower the uninspired plot that flatlines the movie the handful of times things aren't being blown up, set on fire, or engulfed in fog. Simply put, this is a Portrait in Excess.

 
In Ancient China, alchemic manuscripts portend that 10,000 year old crystals, aside from being valuable jewels, possessed magical properties. If blood came into contact with them, the crystal would take on whatever form it was carved in. Long Fei, a well-known sculptor living in seclusion on an isolated mountain, tests the myth, smearing his five-year crystalline masterpiece with his own blood. Unknown to Long, a vengeful spirit begins attacking members of the Poison Yama Clan. Discovering his crystal statue has disappeared from his vault, Long and his apprentice, Fatty, head out to retrieve it while the masked Poison Yama seeks revenge against him and the spirit entity wiping them out. Long and Fatty meet a mysterious woman on the way, who turns out to be Crystal, presumed to be the female embodiment of Long's statue. She's injured by Poison Yama's Seven-Step Soul-Chasing Needle and is separated from Long and Fatty. The two carry on to find the injured Crystal. 
 
 
They end up on Phantom Island, arriving at the spooky residence of Du Sha, the wife of the equally mysterious Heavenly Emperor. She's a powerful fighter who creates crystal killers in a hidden torture dungeon for assassination plots. Those who fail to endure the sadistic training become her zombie servants. Poison Yama, his clan eradicated, arrives at Du Sha's trap-filled mansion and learns who is behind the assassinations of his family and clan members. After a bloody fight, Long Fei learns who the actual owner of the Du Mansion is and where both he and his crystal creation fit into the real mastermind's evil plan.
 
Director Hua Shan made films of various genres although he was closely associated with modern crime thrillers such as BROTHERHOOD (1976), various segments in a few of the five-film THE CRIMINALS (1976-1977) series and THE BROTHERS (1979), a precursor to John Woo's A BETTER TOMORROW (1986). In the early 80s, Hua Shan got on a bit of a martial arts horror kick, helming three back to back. BLOODY PARROT (1981) sourced from novelist Huang Ying's original work was first, and as soon as it wrapped, Director Hua dove into another horror swordplay adaptation. Based on another Huang Ying novel, PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL (1983) is a typical Martial World tale, but one that's told with a horror movie ambiance. If you're expecting a coherent story, you'll probably have to watch the movie a few times to cobble it all together since the delirious visuals and rapid-fire action scenes sabotage any attempt at following along.


It might be short on logic but there's lots of bloody violence such as a man having his arm cut off, only for his severed arm holding his sword gets planted into the top of his head; another poor sap is impaled through the mouth with dozens of chopsticks; faces are burned off, bodies are blown up, stomachs erupt in geysers of blood, and on and on. ALIEN (1979) had been a major hit in Hong Kong; so much so that the Shaw Brothers, as well as some of their filmmakers, wanted to do a movie like it. Science Fiction films weren't big moneymakers in Hong Kong, but horror was; so likely the famous chest-bursting scene inspired PORTRAIT's exploding intestines.


Possibly the most gruesome spectacle is a crucified naked woman with netting tied tightly to her body that rips through her flesh. The Shaw's always managed to find the best bosomy actresses so if that isn't Jenny Liang (whom the Shaw's heavily promoted for her nude scenes in BLOODY PARROT) standing in for Lin Hsiu Chun, then Lin is giving the then exploitation Queen a run for her money. Elsewhere, there's the magical lute whose strings deliver ear-destroying sonic attacks; and a sword that sets things on fire including the air!
 
‘Crystal Man’  was written by horror novelist Huang Ying. It was part of a horror-themed hexalogy titled ‘Six Tales of Horror’ started in 1974. These supernatural swordplay thrillers were outlined by author Ku Lung (or Gu Long) in what was intended to be a break from his usual Wuxia literature. In the mid 70s when he began working on the series, Ku stated “true terror comes from the depths of the soul”. Horror was an unusual avenue for Ku Lung to take, and different from his prominence writing about heroic and villainous swordsmen of the Martial World. Huang was known for his spooky writings, so the subject matter was ideal for him.

The stories in the series are ‘Blood Parrot’ (the film version adds the letter 'y'), ‘The Vampire Moth’, ‘Crystal Man’, ‘The Black Lizard’, ‘Rakshasa Woman’ (a Rakshasa being a shapeshifting, flesh-eating demon) and ‘The Wingless Bat’. Ku wrote the first four of thirty chapters of ‘Blood Parrot’, and wrote outlines of the other stories; but due to deadlines with other novels, he left this series to be completed by Huang Ying, Hong Kong’s version of Stephen King. Huang’s writing style was similar to Ku Lung so it was a good fit to have him take over the series.

The film’s English title was originally the same as the title of the novel, that being ‘Crystal Man’. With the film’s plot changing early into production this necessitated a new export title. Presumably, CRYSTAL MAN was deemed confusing to non-Chinese speakers—most of whom would be unfamiliar with the novel it’s adapted from; so the English title was changed to PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL. That there's no Crystal Man depicted, but a Crystal Woman, that would've only added to the confusion. Even so, the Chinese title remains CRYSTAL MAN. In the novel, as it is in the movie, it was a female assassin that called itself a "Crystal Spirit"
 

The description of the Crystal Man in the novel was a key element for director Hua Shan to bring to the screen. The visual of swarms of green fireflies flying out of the spirits face is realized as multi-colored bugs flickering around the crystal assassin. These fireflies are even used as a lethal weapon that fries the flesh on a targeted victim.
 
Additionally, whenever the character is referenced on-screen, it’s called “Shuijing Ren”, which means ‘Crystal Man’ and sounds like “Shay-jing Yen”. On various releases, subtitles translate it as “Crystal Portrait” or “Crystal Being”. Moreover, a little passed the 50 minute mark there's a plot dump of details that reveals, among other things, an actual Crystal Man is in the making.

When it came to adapting the novel for the screen, Huang Ying wrote the script that, aside from the main character, seemed to be faithful to his original work. Changes were made over the course of the near year and a half the film was in production. Early plot descriptions before the entire cast was set read as follows: 

“The story of CRYSTAL MAN revolves around the legendary swordsman, Shen Sheng Yi, who is drawn into a pre-planned battle within the Martial World. After several perilous twists and escaping his enemies’ pursuit, Shen and the wounded Gong Sun Bai arrive at the mysterious Du family mansion; a large, secluded manor nestled in the middle of a vast lake. Amid these strange events, Shen Sheng Yi encounters the deadly assassin, the Crystal Man, who hasn’t been seen in many years. A fearsome and enigmatic killer, several renowned martial arts masters have fallen to the sword of the Crystal Man. Shen Sheng Yi is shocked by the assassins sudden reappearance, sensing an extraordinary event is about to unfold”.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll notice a few major differences in the direction the film was originally going. The character of Shen Sheng Yi is a swordsman in a series of novels by Huang Ying. Director Chu Yuan adapted one of them, ‘Silver Sword Shen Sheng Yi’ as THE ROVING SWORDSMAN (1983) starring Ti Lung as Shen. The character was changed from a swordsman to a sculptor named Long Fei who also happens to be a master of the blade. 
 
Long Fei is actually the name of the main character in the novel, described as a wandering swordsman. In the novel, Gong Sun Bai is a wounded swordsman Long met on the road who had been gravely injured by Poison Yama's venomous arsenal. Poison Yama was chasing Swordsman Gong because he believed he knew the Crystal killer's whereabouts and reasons for targeting Yama and his Tang Clan of fighters. The search for an antidote to Yama's poison leads the two men to Phantom Island and the Du Mansion where celestial beings are said to reside.
 

As the film version plays out, Long is a hermetic sculptor and Fatty is his doting assistant. They initially set out to find Long's stolen crystal portrait and discover Long has been framed by unknown parties leading to Poison Yama being after him. Fatty is indeed injured prior to their arrival at Du Mansion to attain an antidote; although Fatty's injuries aren't due to a fight with Poison Yama but members of Yama's clan referred to as the Tang Clan in the book.

Due to the downward trend of Swordplay pictures at the time, it was decided to likewise swap out Gong Sun Bai with a comedic sidekick, the above-mentioned Fatty. This new character, played by the rotund Chin Huang, originally had an actual name, that being Li Siao Tian. 
 

When asked in a 1982 interview what he thought was the key to reviving Swordplay films, director Hua said there needed to be something new on top of innovations in storytelling. PORTRAIT is overzealous in horror-fused motifs but nothing original in how the story unfolds. As convoluted as it is, the premise is the basic Martial World scenario: one clan uses magical assassins to wipe out members of another; numerous instances of subterfuge and deception follows. It's really that simple.

As it turned out, Huang's novel wasn't considered one of his highly regarded works, nor was this film version any better a representation of it--from a narrative perspective, that is.


The cast were the usual quality performers even though the material given them wasn’t. The most seasoned thespian among them was Taiwanese actor Wang Jung. He’d been in the industry for 20 years at this point. A big name in Taiwan, Wang started out at Taiwan’s major studio Central Motion Pictures. He and director Ting Shan Si (800 HEROES), along with their friend, actor Jimmy Wang Yu (THE CHINESE BOXER), founded Giant Films in 1971. A gambling problem and a divorce in 1973 led Wang Jung out of the industry and out of Taiwan and Hong Kong altogether. He moved to America and remained there for four years, returning to Hong Kong in 1977 upon completion of a movie he shot in the US. He stated in interviews at the time that for this second phase of his film career he was simply having fun.
 
Pai Piao was enjoying a career resurgence of his own. He began his career as a stuntman, and was in line for a major role in Chang Cheh's THE WATER MARGIN series. It didn't work out so he found plenty of films as a leading man at Yang Tze Films, an independent studio born out of the remnants of major company, Cathay.  Unfortunately, none of the films Pai made for Yang Tze made money in Hong Kong. He then moved to television in the latter part of the 70s where his star soared. He ended up back at Shaw Brothers where he got numerous major roles like this one, although this film isn't indicative of his best work. As with everything else, the performers in PORTRAIT are only there to accentuate the visuals. 


Actress Tai Liang Chun was originally cast as Du Sha, but the role went to Taiwanese model Chen Szu Chia (above and insert) when Tai quit the industry approximately two years into her five year contract to enter into what quickly became a volatile marriage to action superstar Tony Liu Yung (Law Wing). Barely a year into the relationship, it spiraled out of control, leading to him disfiguring Tai's face. She co-starred with Liu Yung (the evil eunuch in SECRET SERVICE OF THE IMPERIAL COURT) in 1982s PASSING FLICKERS and was the leading actress in the troubled horror production, CURSE OF EVIL (1982). To expound further, Tai’s awful luck didn’t end there. Her second marriage to a doctor ended in divorce and her third husband, a Japanese doctor, ended when her violent second husband tracked her down and killed the third husband.
 
As for Chen Szu Chia, this was one of, if not the meatiest, role she ever had, and possibly her best. She shines as one of the main antagonists.

Director Hua occasionally made movies outside of Movietown. As long as an independent picture didn’t interfere with filming at Shaw’s he could shoot what he wanted. This is where that third martial arts horror movie comes in. During downtime on CRYSTAL, Hua Shan took a crew on location to shoot the cult favorite KUNG FU ZOMBIE for the Eternal Film Company; that film starring Billy Chong, Kwan Young Moon and Chiang Tao. This was another Huang Ying story, and some of his CRYSTAL crew worked on it like martial arts choreographer Teng Te Hsiang and Hua’s regular assistant director Tsai Nai Pin.

Like many filmmakers on the Movietown payroll, the vast resources of the company offered a congenial atmosphere for making movies that differed from the unstable nature of working for an independent company. Hua Shan was one such director who had gotten comfortable working within this gated filmmaking community. He viewed Shaw Studio as his home, and whenever he filmed outside, he referred to it as a vacation.

The irony was that Director Hua preferred making modern day films versus the period pieces he was doing in the 1980s. He was also highly critical of the label given a select group of young filmmakers at the start of the 1980s, “the New Wave”. Hua helmed period movies till 1985, returning to the industry six years later for one last picture—a modern day actioner starring moon Lee—ANGEL FORCE (1991).
 

PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL was completed in September of 1982. The test screening at the studio was reportedly a positive one—leading the studio executives to spend some more money on it. Hua Shan did some additional post-production in October and November of ‘82, adding some special effects shots. Director Hua was also critical of Chinese filming methods of the time period. Prior to PORTRAIT’s release, he pointed out that Hollywood was properly equipped to pull off special effects; Hong Kong was only capable of what he called “special shots”.

By 1983, Shaw Brothers were well aware that, domestically, their production style was viewed as largely outdated. Faced with stiff competition from rival studios, they changed their methods of having directors shoot 3-4 films at one time and had them focus primarily on a single feature before moving on to the next one. 
 

In turn, this affected the number of productions made per year. The company went from 40+ films a year in the 70s to approximately two dozen by 1983; the numbers dropped even further over the next two years they were in operation. The export of their martial arts pictures on the international market was what was keeping them open for the next two years. In Hong Kong, the Shaw's would have at least one or two films in the top ten, but they'd be dramas or romantic comedies which were now big box office along with the modern day action stunt comedies that the company were hesitant to get on board with. And when they made them, there simply wasn't enough of them to reclaim audience interest in their films that, in Hong Kong at least, were viewed as old-fashioned filmmaking.

Swordplay films were losing steam in 1983 versus the gaining momentum of modern day action. To use one example, the heavily hyped ZU: WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN (1983) was a bomb that year, making only HK$1.5 million. PORTRAIT made HK$1.3 million in comparison. There was so much similar product on television, that to get people into theaters, it had to be something unique. PORTRAIT was certainly different, only local audiences weren't interested.

Director Hua’s next film was another wild swordplay movie, the gloomy USURPERS OF THE EMPEROR’S POWER (1983) starring Tony Liu Yung, Chao Kuo, Liu Hsieh Hua, and Lung Tien Sheng. Part historical epic and another part gory supernatural fantasy, it’s in the class of Hua’s co-directed THE FLYING GUILLOTINE 2 (1978) and WHAT PRICE HONESTY (1979) as the darkest Shaw Brothers pictures ever made. It was a bigger failure at the box office than PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL was.

Interestingly, Hua Shan didn’t like making violent movies. You’d never know that by looking at his resume like the vicious Shaw Brothers Triad actioner BROTHERHOOD (1976); and THE GORY MURDER (1978), whose Chinese title translates to BRUTAL DISMEMBERMENT. This was an independent film Hua made for Eternal Films, founded in 1973 and one of the more prosperous Indy film companies. Their success was largely due to Ng See Yuen, an ambitious film director who later founded Seasonal Film Corporation.
 

Hua Shan’s movies tend to have very little fat on them—moving at a frenetic pace. PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL is an example of this. Aside from the comedic scenes that slow things down in the middle act, the visual barrage seldom lets up—holding the viewers attention when the flimsy storyline cannot. Unfortunately, the film's trim running time doesn't allow for characterization. The voluminous plot details unloaded on the viewer in the last half, along with a few twists, do nothing to enhance the proceedings because you don't care about anyone on-screen. As a movie, PORTRAIT IN CRYSTAL is poor; but as an entertainment, it's an assortment of colors splashed across a canvas of craziness--an amusement park ride that becomes more wild and exhaustively bizarre right up till it abruptly hits the brakes for a noticeably hasty ending.

This review is representative of the Imprint bluray from Australia (all region) limited to 1,500 units. Specs and extras: 1080p HD 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen; audio commentary with Justin Decloux; Portrait in Plasma: interview with James Mudge; running time: 01:20:51

Thursday, December 25, 2025

The Naughty and Nice List: The 12 Slays of Christmas Part 2


Down the chimney Santa came late one night,
Not for gifts or cookies, but horror film fright
 
A yearly tradition this was, a title I would pick,
To watch a horror movie with Jolly Old St. Nick
 
It was BLACK CHRISTMAS we watched in the dark,
The original from '74, the one directed by Bob Clark
 
Soon as we got to the shocking reveal, you know the part,
Santa's eyes grew big as he put his hand over his heart
 
While outside waited his reindeer and sleigh full of presents he forgot,
Wanting to watch one more, Santa looked at me and said, "Hey kid, what else you got?"
 
The original 12 Slays of Christmas article from December of 2016 documented the best examples of holiday horror with a handful of Bad Santa's mixed in for good cheer (you can read it HERE). This time around, we're looking at ten years of twelve lesser known films ranging in quality, and all featuring killer Claus's, feuding families with murder on their minds, or both. Not everything can be as magnificently chilling as the original BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) or as shockingly controversial as the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984). The former has had two remakes--one riotously gruesome and the Grandest of Guinol, and the other isn't worth opening at Christmas or any other time during the year; the latter has had four sequels and a just-released remake to illustrate the power and influence of the two films.
 
From 2015 to 2025, it's a Naughty and Nice List, a Christmas Deadly Dozen; so gather around and let's see if there's something for you under the Cool Ass Cinema Christmas tree.

1. A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY (2015)

Vengeful and malevolent spirits, Krampus and a zombie elf outbreak at the North Pole make up four holiday horror tales that are connected to a deadly incident in the town of Bailey Downs.

Starting things off on the Nice List is a film that is bound to become a Kringle Kult Klassic. William Shatner plays a radio DJ who bookends four horror tales that are actually one complete story, segmented into an anthology in the style of 2005s TRICK R’ TREAT. As with most films done in the omnibus style, quality of stories varies, yet all of them have some level of creep factor. The best one is the last tale, and this is suitable considering the unique twist in the tale that ties them all together into one surprisingly satisfying present you may find yourself opening again and again over the holidays.

2. BETTER WATCH OUT (2017)

On Christmas Eve, a babysitter and the 12 year-old boy she’s watching believe they’re being targeted by intruders trying to get inside the house… but the truth is far more sinister.

BETTER WATCH OUT is a film that the less you know going in the better. A dark version of HOME ALONE (1990), the film becomes more shockingly vicious to the point where you're unsure whether to laugh at the onscreen depravity or be repulsed at the contents of this blackly superb Christmas gift. The typical horror movie conventions of the babysitter stalked by a killer trying to get inside the house are turned inside out in this unexpectedly taut holiday shocker. Inarguably the most creative Christmas horror film on this list, there are no killers in Santa suits or a seasonal slasher with a vendetta, but something far more evil. BETTER WATCH this movie. And stick around for a mid-end credits scene.

3. ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (2017)

Starting on December 14th, two Santa-dressed serial killers, Nicholas Conway and Michelle Weaver, use the 12 Days of Christmas as the basis for a wild killing spree in the town of Woodridge, New York.

There’s a lot of bad festive horror out there; ONCE UPON A TIME isn’t one of them. Director Paul Tanter gets more mileage out of his low budget than the usual independent horror feature. The film’s wild card are the performances of the two lead maniacs, Mr. and Mrs. Claus played by Irish actor Simon Philips and British actress Sayla de Goede. Both are righteously over the top comic book personas; so much so that one wonders if the mental facility they've escaped from wasn't Gotham's own Arkham Asylum. This was a nice surprise and would make a great stocking stuffer for its place on the Nice List. 

The Terrible Two returned to slaughter anew in THE NIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS (2020). That title suits the first film better since the events cover twelve nights leading up to Christmas Day. A third film was announced for production in 2021. Christened ONE CHRISTMAS NIGHT IN A TOY STORE, the concluding chapter was to find Mr. and Mrs. crazy Claus spilling more blood and taking hostages inside a toy store while the FBI try to get them out alive. Sadly, the film has stalled.

4. MRS. CLAUS (2018)

Sorority members at a Christmas party are targeted by a killer wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit. The deaths are connected to a hazing prank that resulted in a murder-suicide years earlier.

An ugly, mean-spirited movie, MRS. CLAUS feels more like a DTV horror flick from 1988 than 2018. The gore is nowhere near Savini superlativeness but effective nonetheless; the camera lingers on the gory finality making this mediocre movie a grimier experience. A by the numbers slasher, the film’s main inspiration is apparently BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974), the greatest holiday horror of all time. 
 
Set mostly inside a sorority house (or someone's apartment), the plot of MS. CLAUS (formerly STIRRING) follows Bob Clark’s creepy classic minus the obscene phone calls along with the polish and chilling atmosphere. Former Scream Queen Brinke Stevens is top-billed even though she pops in and out of the movie as a local police officer. There’s a double twist at the end and a third, downbeat cliffhanger in the final shot that, for such a low budget effort, shows that the filmmakers definitely had the holiday spirit.

5. SECRET SANTA (2018)

An annual family gathering for one wealthy, and heavily malfunctioning family, descends into a bloodbath on Christmas Eve.
 
SECRET SANTA is an hilarious movie. The pacing is perfect in building the outburst of violence that escalates to bloodthirsty murder. The film then devolves into a more serious tone, leading to a final scene that suggests what afflicted this family was about to spread like a virus. Director Adam Marcus was behind the most daringly creative Jason Voorhees adventure with JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1994). He does the same for Christmas with this insanely wacky holiday horror about a family that redefines dysfunction. There's a great homage to THE THING (1982) via one of that film's funniest lines. And as divisive as this film will likely be (much like Marcus's FRIDAY flick), any movie that goes from a festive slaughter-thon to zombie outbreak via contaminated Christmas punch deserves your attention at least once. SECRET SANTA is Naughty and Nice in the best possible way.

6. THE NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2020)

Three years after the Woodridge massacre, serial killers Nicholas Conway and Michelle Weaver, alias Santa and Mrs. Claus, track down the remaining victims on their Naughty List while evading the FBI who are in hot pursuit.

This is the bigger, more ambitious sequel to 2017s impressive holiday fright-fest ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (at one point, going by the title of TWICE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS). Think SILENCE OF THE LAMBS Clarice Starling versus the NATURAL BORN KILLERS in Santa Claus outfits. 
 
The plot is more convoluted due to the increased number of characters; although most of them are eventually killed off by the deliciously overacting pair of scene-stealing seasonal slashers. NIGHTS is bigger in scope and even more polished than its already slickly made predecessor. The movie ends on a cliffhanger so hopefully we’ll get that intended third chapter--ONE CHRISTMAS NIGHT IN A TOY STORE--to give this impressive series proper closure.

7. SILENT NIGHT (2021)

A family and their close friends gather for a final Christmas dinner before an impending apocalypse wipes out all of humanity.

Not to be confused with the awful John Woo movie SILENT NIGHT (2023) also set at Christmas, this is the bigger budgeted version of SECRET SANTA (2018); only instead of the family killing each other, they come to grips with the possible reality they will all be dead by the next day whether by the forthcoming apocalypse or via suicide pills the government urges citizens to take. Camille Griffin’s film starts off with this off-kilter, kooky and comical atmosphere but halfway through, the tone changes to THE MIST without the monsters. There’s lots to digest at this last supper, so if you’re expecting blood and guts flying everywhere, you’re probably better off partaking anywhere else besides the most depressing film on this list.

8. CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022)
 
A young record store owner must battle a malfunctioning robo-Santa delivering death on Christmas Night.

Likely inspired by recent robotic killers seen in the CHILD’S PLAY remake and then M3GAN (2022) that came shortly thereafter, we have here a robot killer Santa Claus. Unfortunately, aside from the ROBOCOP footfalls, it never moves like anything more than an actor wearing a Santa Claus suit. The practical gore is refreshing and it's occasionally entertaining, but that's as far as the gift-giving for this movie is going to go. CBC is never as hip as it wants to be with the Tarantino-like dialog written for grandly unlikable characters generously peppered with annoyingly excessive use of the word 'fuck'. It's used so much, you expect Rob Zombie to be seeking legal action.

9. SANTA ISN’T REAL (2023)
 
Nikki awakens from a year-long coma after nearly being killed by what she described as Santa Claus. The following Christmas, her friends take her to a secluded, snow-bound cabin to relax. The vacation turns to a night of horror when Jolly Old Saint Nick returns.

There are several movies of varying genres featuring Santa Claus as the main character, but this is the first to feature Old St. Nick as a purported slasher killer. SANTA ISN’T REAL revels in holiday ambiance, even going so far as to write new Christmas songs for it by a band called The Imaginaries. One of the best things director Zac Locke (executive producer of the second and laughably anti-male, feminazi-fueled BLACK CHRISTMAS remake from 2019) does with his movie is the sense of dread he creates; this isn’t always wrangled visually but audibly—such as the sound of blowing wind pounding the house from the outside. 
 
The lead actress Kaya Coleman is a standout and a huge plus for this under-seen independent horror. The depiction of Santa as Slayer is genuinely creepy with his almost waxen facial image, reminiscent of the electronic Santa seen in the toy store stalk and kill sequence of the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984). Watch out for a mid-end credits scene where a pizza delivery man is greeted by Old St. Nick.

10. SLAY RIDE (2024)
 
The Kris Kringle Killer has slain 11 women and plans for one more to complete his 12 Days of Christmas killing spree. His last potential victim ends up being a woman who lives in the house the killer grew up in.

Starring, produced and directed by Olivia Dunkley (she also contributed to the music), the rambunctious SLAY RIDE is definitely on the Naughty List (as the psycho Kringle killer keeps saying) but has more than a few Nice things going for it. A film with a main character named Holly Woods (played by Dunkley) is clearly in on its own joke; and Holly isn’t having a jolly Christmas… at all. It’s like an 80 minute Texas Death Match—no disqualification, falls count anywhere. Anything goes. Did everyone do their own stunts? 
 
Mitchel Gene Shira as the crazed Santa slasher is hilarious; and the most enjoyably over the top krazed Kringle performance since Eric Freeman in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 (1987). This RIDE operates on the same level of lunacy as FREEWAY (1996). It’s a gift that keeps on giving, totally unwrapping itself during an unexpectedly outrageous finale. SLAY RIDE could've used a much better advertising campaign, but it's the thought that counts; a lot of that went into this goofy, blackly humorous, Yuletide surprise.

11. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST CHRISTMAS (2025)
 
A group of friends meet at an isolated cabin for a Christmas reunion only to discover they're being set up for the kill over a deadly holiday prank a year earlier.

Just by the title alone, this barely feature-length flick (72 minutes including end credits), is the biggest rip-off on the Naughty List. It takes the plot of the popular slasher franchise (heavily influenced by the recent 2025 sequel) and turns into a lazily plotted holiday horror. Never leaving the confines of the vacation home it's set in, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST CHRISTMAS feels much longer than its scant running time. Easily forgotten once it's over, watching this movie is akin to receiving a last minute gift with the feeling that little to no thought went into it. 

12. HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING (2025)

As a small boy, Chester witnessed his parents slaughtered by a maniac in a Santa suit. 17 years later, he returns to his childhood estate where conniving and vindictive members of his family plot to steal his inheritance from him. Meanwhile, an axe-wielding madman wearing a Santa suit begins a new murder spree.

One of the better Christmas horror films about bickering, back-stabbing (literally) families is this nifty thriller mixing CLUE-style theatrics with familiar holiday tropes and an occasional nod to merry scary horrors of Christmas past. The crazy old man warning the young Chester about Santa Claus recalls the similar sequence in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984) where Grandpa scares the absolute hell out of Billy about what Santa Claus does to little kids who haven't been good all year. 
 
Caroline Williams (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2; THE STEPFATHER 2), one of the best Scream Queens still working in the horror genre, headlines the show, and resoundingly steals it in the films last half. The most recent example of the maladjusted, and quite demented, holiday family gathering features a killer Santa Claus, too; and looks back to the similar and underrated seasonal slasher, ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (2015). HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING is worth staying awake for.
 
On this 25th Day of December,
In the year 2025,
A Christmas you'll always remember,
If you're lucky to still be alive,
 
Till next year's season of Yuletide,
When Santa stalks anew,
For the Naughty with nowhere to hide...
 

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