10 of the Worst Horror Sequels and Remakes of the Last Ten Years

This is a selection of ten remakes, sequels, and sequels to remakes of the last ten years included for their level of disappointment; or for the flogging of a title to the point where artistic integrity ends and making a quick buck begins. The opinions are strictly my own, of course; and are presented in no particular order.

1. THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 (2007) -- You may feel like gouging them out after watching this sequel, though.

Alexandre Aja's 2006 remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977) was warmly welcomed by horror fans after he wowed many with his 2003 splatter movie, HAUTE TENSION (HIGH TENSION; SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE). The HILLS sequel (to the remake) that came from the director of the grotesque GRIMM (2006) didn't receive the same level of adoration. It's another case of the ol' 'Sequel-to-a-remake-to-an-original-that-had-its-own-sequel' movie schtick that you can't really talk about without mentioning the history associated with it.

The original films director, Wes Craven (along with his son), wrote the insulting script that lazily tries to make an allegorical comparison to the Iraq war via its national guardsmen and mutants. It's even worse in that the characters we're supposed to root for are annoying assholes while the cannibalistic cretins are turned into little more than slasher characters -- much like Craven's own equally awful sequel from 1985 (see insert). History has definitely repeated itself. In its favor, the '07 picture starts out with one helluva mean streak, and has a couple other squirm-inducing moments, but otherwise it's a major disappointment. Amazingly, this nonsense played theaters when it's 'men with guns vs. monsters' scenario was better suited for the SyFy Channel.

2. FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009) -- It's bad luck to watch this movie any day of the week.

Platinum Dunes had already made a (bad) name for themselves by the time they got around to remaking FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980) -- arguably the single most revered franchise among the genre cognoscenti. It starts out strong, but drowns about as quickly as little Jason did in the 1980 original. Judging by the look of this update, you'd think they were doing Hooper's iconic horror film all over again -- which is understandable considering Marcus Nispel, the director of that remake, returns; as does Daniel Pearl -- the DP for the original '73 picture, the '03 remake, and also this remake to the slasher classic.

Probably the biggest cardinal sin this flick commits is the veritable lack of 'Creati-Kills' -- the life's blood of this series. None of the kills really stand out. However, the filmmakers do squeeze in a lot of sex and nudity. The film also falls prey to the current trend of making all the characters as likable as a migraine; or so bland, you don't care what happens to them. Without a moderately strong central protagonist, and no stand-out gore effects, there's no reason to tune in for this.

3. THE FINAL DESTINATION (2009) -- Go somewhere else instead.

This fourth dance with the Reaper is an absolutely horrendous sequel for a franchise that was near death after the previous entry. A defibrillator couldn't save this lifeless, drearily acted movie that distinguishes itself by replacing a '4' with the article 'The' as if it was truly 'THE END'. Since it's the same movie all over again, you could skip it and not miss a thing save for an oddly comical aura; and some of the most arrogant, irritating, and stereotypical characters that represent the norm in today's horror movies. The special effects are among the worst, most absurd examples of CGI put up on screen. The only shocking aspect of it all is that the director of the vastly superior second picture returned for this lousy "last" date with death. This torturous experience didn't stop FINAL DESTINATION 5 (2012) from happening, though. Don't fear the Reaper, fear more sequels.

4. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010) -- One, two, another remake for you. Three, four, can't take it no more. Five, six, this movie is the pits. Seven, eight, screw this update. Nine, ten, never watch it again.

Michal Bay's Platinum Dunes company made its name by making new, flashy, soulless versions of much better older movies. Outsid of the TCM remake, most all of these have been worthless; and you throw this NIGHTMARE onto that pile, too. Lacking scares and unusually dull, this cinematic sleeping pill is another instance of a lot of noise with no sense of rhythm behind it. Jackie Earl Haley does what he can with the material given him, but the movie surrounding his character will do nothing but make fans long for a Robert Englund encore. If Freddy Krueger were real, watching this movie would be the death-knell for the viewer -- because it will most definitely put you to sleep. Personally, another slasher titan match-up ala FREDDY VS. JASON (2003) would have been more interesting, and welcome.

5. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013) -- You'll want to throw things AT this movie.

Rarely had a horror film made me wanna kicks its ass more than this misguided, ill-conceived, sloppily written travesty that makes TEXAS CHAINSAW 4 seem like a step in the right direction. Boasting how fabulous a film they'd fashioned, the makers of this movie -- who removed the 'massacre' from the title -- ignored the previous installments and linked their movie as the true sequel to Tobe Hooper's original. With that said, it's ironic that Hooper would have his name attached as an Executive Producer on TCM 3D.

In all honesty, there are a few good moments here (and they mostly revolve around Alexandra Daddario's physical attributes), but nothing of lasting substance. More distasteful than the films violence is the filmmakers desperate attempt to make you feel sympathy for a man who wears human skin, tortures and dismembers his victims with a chainsaw. They push this by blaming THE TOWN for their psychosis. Mind you, the Sawyer clans cannibalistic past time is ignored altogether. In what amounts to a thinly veiled political statement, the oppressed hillbillies are the victims of small town greed. And the Leatherface mask looks like a hornets nest with a wig attached to it.

6. HALLOWEEN (2007) and HALLOWEEN 2 (2009) -- The night he came home to the trailer park. Followed by the night he became a vagrant. Evil has taken Shape. And it needs a shave and a shower.

For as much as Rob Zombie has a passion for horror and 70s exploitation, he seems equally impassioned at creating cinematic characters that appear to reside in some alternate universe where atrocious dialog is the law of the land. In this bizarre world, people use the word 'fuck' as if it's a language all its own -- kind of like an expletive version of Smurf speech.

Out of all the series sequels, Zombie's interpretation of The Shape is the only one to transform him from the manifestation of pure evil to a homeless person. It makes the plot device of Meyers as an assassin for the Druids palatable by comparison.

The sequel, while having some nice photographic touches and a mean streak a mile long, is just as big a sloppy ass cluster-fuck as Robbie Z's first stab at the material. It's also becoming increasingly difficult to find good things to say about the enigmatic musicians movies. Curiously, RZ has said au revoir to horror indefinitely and has recently directed a comedy special for Tom Papa. So the end result remains the same, just the laughs are supposed to be intentional this time.

7. SILENT NIGHT (2012) -- A seasonal schlocker from the Island of Misfit Movies.

The SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT franchise is among the lower tier within the slasher canon. The first film is infamous for its killer Santa Claus and controversial treatment of religious institutions. It was always an underrated movie in my opinion, so the announcement of a remake was among those I was looking forward to. Unfortunately, the filmmakers refuse to try and stir up some seasonal controversy of their own outside of what comes built in with the brand.

Our killer Saint Nick's costume is satisfyingly creepy, but it's giggle worthy moments ranging from the films evaporated logic, continuity errors, and scenes of the killer using a flamethrower that kill the holiday fear. The end result is an uncooked turkey with dry trimmings. The gifts you get in the form of poorly rendered CGI are the sort you wanna toss in the garbage as opposed to standing in line at the returns department. The scenes recreated from the original likewise lack any suspense, build-up, or impact. SILENT NIGHT makes little noise and is as unwanted as an elderly relatives Christmas fruitcake.

8. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 (2012) -- This series is now ready for the Ghostbusters Eco-Containment Unit.

The creators of this series forge ahead, delivering a vapid fourth film which bears an apt tagline that succinctly sums up just how rotten this movie really is. Whereas the prior pictures dealt with incidents that took place before and during the hit first film, this sequel is the first to go forward with the storyline. Sadly, and surprisingly, it's the least engaging -- quickly running out of gas and remaining stagnant for 90 minutes. Apparently out of ideas, the filmmakers simply rehash what has come three times before, and rehashing badly; and this includes re-doing the far scarier finale that capped part 3. For PA4, you can not only count the number of scares on one hand even if you're missing a few fingers, but you will easily be able to say 'I ain't afraid of no ghosts'. In fact, you will be bored by them.

9. QUARANTINE (2009) -- WARNING! This remake is hazardous to your health.

Right up there with Gus Van Sant's unwanted, pointless PSYCHO (1998) do-over; and the equally unnecessary THE OMEN remake from 2006, resides this uninspired plagiarizing of Plaza and Balaguero's REC (2007). That film proposed some unique twists on the zombie mythos and its siege concept popularized by Romero's NOTLD (1968). The Spanish original capped its film with arguably the single most skin-crawling finale in years; and did so with an ambiguous cliffhanger that linked its zombieism to the Vatican.

If you're familiar with the original, QUARANTINE is especially idiotic for the fact that the damn poster gives the ending away! There are minor alterations spread out, and some sequences are dragged out (interminably), but this quick American cash-in never steps off the coattails of the higher quality foreign venture. Adding further insult to injury on the DVD extras, the filmmakers slyly try to pass off their movie as an original work with no mention of the original from the previous year. The constant back-patting is egregious since nearly the entire movie is a clone of the vastly superior, and far scarier REC. Watch that one instead and cordon off this toxic waste of time.

In their defense, this films director and writer were behind the unsettling, and still unreleased 'found footage' horror THE POUGHKEEPSIE TAPES (2007).

10. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3D (2006) and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: REANIMATION (2012) -- Another two-fer, and unlike Wrigley's Juicy Fruit, you do not double your pleasure.

The repeated rape of George Romero's groundbreaking classic continues in the form of two hopelessly moronic and immature movies from Jeff Broadstreet. Having been remade in 1990 in a respectful package from splatter effects wizard turned director Tom Savini, that version brought some interesting twists to the table. Prior to that, it suffered the indignity of being poorly colorized on VHS tape in the 1980s. So if you're looking for green zombies, seek that one out. In the late 90s, further humiliation came in the form of a 30th Anniversary George Lucas style "upgrade" with all new footage added, and new music cues replacing the far creepier music heard in the '68 original.

Flash forward to 2006 and Broadstreet tarnishes the property in his own inimitable way with an insipid 3D remake that has about as much finesse as a crowbar to the cranium. Cue an assholian level of characterization amidst some ill-conceived self-referential humor (the cast are actually watching Romero's NOTLD on television), pot farmers, and zombies texting. It's clear that the movie is only interested in consuming the last bits of flesh remaining on NIGHT's carcass. But it gets worse.

Sacrificing any attempt at making a decent product, the makers go for the jugular with an even more inept money grab with an excruciatingly awful prequel (to the remake). Bad CGI ensues. Whereas the 2006 version had the great Sid Haig, this one has Andrew Divoff (WISHMASTER series) and Jeffrey Combs (RE-ANIMATOR series); and that's where the good marks end. Seemingly not convinced he can make a decent movie, Broadstreet inserts more self-referencing humor (Romero's dead vs. modern runner zombies) while avoiding Romero's provocative approach to subtext. The more mannered social commentary of the '68 version is replaced with a PORKY'S style of political posturing. Broadstreet (who wrote this mess) opts for an in-your-face, toddler level lambastment towards the "evil villains" of liberals everywhere, Fox News and Sarah Palin. So if you love hate speech and political propaganda; and think SNL skits qualify as truth, than this infantile, abysmal dollar bin wonder blunder is for you.

Not to be outdone, yet another remake of NOTLD is in production at this moment. And it, too, is in 3D.

The Best of the Worst of Vintage Science Fiction Cinema

"For the budget, and for the time, I felt I had achieved greatness... Among low budget films, it was the most outstanding picture of the year, in my opinion." -- Phil Tucker talking about ROBOT MONSTER (1953) after it was snubbed at the Oscars.



For many, Science Fiction and monster movies hold a special place in the hearts of those who caught the matinees as kids, or perused the TV Guide for late night viewings on the weekends. Bad SciFi and monster movies are both a blessing and a bane to the filmmakers and performers who created them. We the viewer love them for the wrong reasons -- and oftentimes those who made them are embarrassed, or embittered because of it. 

Still, these antiquated instances of schlock hold an immense amount of reverence for fans not just in what the filmmakers failed to do, but in what they succeeded in putting up on the screen. 



Below is a list of veritable ham and cheese sandwiches (heavy on the mayo) from the 1950s that represent cinematic awfulness at its finest. Regardless of how unhealthy they are, bad movies are tasty treats that can be a lot of fun for what they are; so eat what you want, enjoy life, and enjoy these movies.

1. ROBOT MONSTER 1953



"You sound like a Hu-Man, not a Ro-Man! Can you not verify a fact?!" -- The Great Guidance asks one of civilizations great unanswered questions in Phil Tucker's avant garde art feature, ROBOT MONSTER (1953). 

One of the signature, upper echelon examples of awful cinema at its finest is this mercifully brief (although it feels longer) 62 minute gem from Phil Tucker. There's even an intermission halfway through apparently to give weary patrons a last chance to get their money back.

The plot concerns the extermination of the hu-man race by Ro-Man, an overweight gorilla wearing a diving helmet with TV antennas sticking out of it. Only eight hu-mans remain and Ro-Man searches for them in between bragging about his Calcinator Death Ray, tinkering with his Automatic Billion Bubble Machine (just see the movie), and being berated by the Great Guidance -- the head Ro-Man in charge. In his spare time, Ro-Man wanders interminably in and around Bronson Canyon uttering dialog that could only have been written on another planet.

"Is Alice gonna have a date with Ro-Man?" -- kids say the darndest things even in an apocalyptic future.



Director Phil Tucker had just enough money in his $16,000 budget to pull off some spectacularly atrocious effects work. Among the low-lights are sparklers and matches style SPX and glaringly visible crew members. These moments of shock and guffaw are compensated with crude stop-motion shots taken from LOST CONTINENT (1951) and oft-used giant lizard stock footage from ONE MILLION BC (1940). Famed gorilla suit creator and stuntman George Barrows is the guy underneath the ape suit. In some shots you can see his face through the helmet with what looks like hosiery over his head. Famed composer, Elmer (THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN) Bernstein did the score. You have to start somewhere. Tucker was also responsible for the lavishly produced SciFi thriller THE CAPE CANAVERAL MONSTERS (1960).

2. CAT WOMEN OF THE MOON 1953



"Something's embedded in our rear section!" -- the unfortunately named Capt. Laird Granger discovers something lodged into the ships buttocks.

When you see Al Zimbalist among a genre films credits and Astor Pictures as its distributor, you're in for something "special". Some of the folks that brought you ROBOT MONSTER (1953) were also responsible for this first in a series of 'Feminists From Outer Space' movies. Both the plot and budget are bare, but you're rewarded with giant horned spiders that miss their cue and production values that look like the film is set in an auditorium. The stage play ambiance is furthered by actions occurring offscreen while actors yell out what has happened. The inside of the spaceship looks like a tin shed. The dialog and (lack of) direction possibly inspired Ed Wood.



The plot: A moon mission discovers an ancient race of telepathic Cat Women in heavy makeup and leotards living below the satellites surface. They attempt to seduce the men and control the one woman that came with them in an effort to hijack their ship and go back to Earth. Their plan is to propagate their race on our planet with more women who all look and dress alike, and are destined to be in Robert Palmer videos.

"You're too smart for me baby. I like'em stupid." -- Walt smooth talks one of the lunar babes.



The tackier FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE (1956) mined similar territory. The underrated Richard Cunha shot a much better, but equally stupid remake of CAT WOMEN in 1958 as MISSILE TO THE MOON. Again in 1958, QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE was yet another battle of the sexes, but in color. It, too, piled on the women's lib, and also had a giant spider.

3. KING DINOSAUR 1955

"It resembles the Tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth's prehistoric age. Tyrannosaurus Rex... King Dinosaur!" -- Paleontology and Herpetology become one on the planet Nova in Bert I. Gordon's first movie. 

This 63 minute wonder blunder is actually torture to sit through, but what gets it into crap movie heaven is its insistence on convincing an audience that giant macro enlarged B.I.G. lizards are dinosaurs -- particularly an enormous, everyday iguana that's referred to as a Tyrannosaur! There's not even the slightest attempt to dress up the lizards to make them look even remotely dinosaurian. The pictures sole bright spot comes during the last fifteen minutes when two of the astronauts are trapped inside of Bronson Canyon while Iguana-saurus Rex battles Super Gator and a Giant Gila Monster in a handicapped Death Match.



The plot holds great 'B' movie promise, but settles for 'Z' movie results. Scientists discover a new planet in our solar system so a group of astronauts are sent to explore it. Christening it Nova, the bland bunch finally encounter a lot of big animals (who knew giant armadillos were so scary?) and assorted reptiles before blowing up the place with an atom bomb!

"WONDROUS SIGHTS YOUR EYES HAVE NEVER SEEN TILL NOW!" -- I suppose there are some folks who've never seen iguanas, gila monsters and armadillos before.

Director Bert I. Gordon got "better" with his films of giganticism even if the Incredible Shrinking Budgets radiated the limitations to oftentimes comical levels. His best works would be THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957), EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1958) and THE MAGIC SWORD (1962); while among his worst would be things like THE CYCLOPS (1957), FOOD OF THE GODS (1976) and this Tyrannosaurus Wreck.

The use of lizards standing in as 'prehistoric wonders' was a shameless, lazy, and trite means of low budget filmmakers getting around actually creating realistic (mostly) fake looking puppets, mock-ups, or even sloppy stop-motion animation. Some of these include the King Konspirator that started it all -- ONE MILLION B.C. (1940) -- others include TWO LOST WORLDS (1951), UNTAMED WOMEN (1952) and, possibly the most egregious of these, big budget disaster movie maven Irwin Allen's crap-tacular remake of THE LOST WORLD (1960).

4. FROM HELL IT CAME 1957

From Allied Artists it came -- this petrified cult favorite; and the only movie about a killer, radioactive tree trunk made thus far. Possessing the spirit of a wrongfully executed South Pacific prince, the Tabunga rises from the muck and attacks a group of American scientists attempting to cure an island plague. The bad movie sickness you'll get from watching FROM HELL IT CAME won't hinder your enjoyment, though. Paul Blaisdell's oddly appealing, enormously memorable monster delivers an aptly wooden performance with more bark than bite.



Wooden perfectly describes just about everybody else, too. Prior to the Tabunga sprouting from the earth, the film is preoccupied with two characters desperately trying to get laid in between monologues about island superstitions and modern medicine. Curiously, nobody seems to be interested in getting the gorgeous Grace Mathews out of her Hawaiian two piece and John McNamara (see above) doesn't seem interested in women at all.

The Tabunga action is a riot and consists of the big log pressing up against his victims till they die. One encounter with a native is especially praiseworthy in its ineptitude. Armed with a spear, a native aims high and tosses his blade over the top of the Tabunga. Unaware of the wide open space around him, the native decides to back against a tree setting up the Tabunga Smash.The last few minutes are hysterical once the walking oak tree carries off Tina Carver who had obviously not been professionally trained on how to scream. She sounds like she's passing a massive kidney stone. Tabunga probably couldn't wait to drop her in the quicksand. Unfortunately, the proposed Tabunga sequel, T2: THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE never materialized.

5. THE GIANT CLAW 1957



This giant flaw from Columbia Pictures is must-see entertainment for lovers of terrible movies. The plot is standard SciFi fare about a mutant bird puppet surrounded by an anti-matter force field coming to Earth to build a giant nest till the military manages to mortally ruffle its feathers.



Despite the enormity of its impoverished effects work, THE GIANT CLAW is of historical significance in the annals of bad cinema -- it's America's only movie about a gigantic monster bird from outer space. The title feathered fury looks like a crack addicted turkey; and we get to see lots of it -- from virtually every possible angle. RODAN (1956) this ain't.




That the picture so brazenly trots out this cataclysmically ridiculous creature so regularly is a testament of the "to hell with it" attitude of the filmmakers. The actors (unaware of just how atrocious the fowl fiend was) deliver their lines with an earnestness that only adds to the bounty of comedic gold. This heavy duty gobbler is possibly the single most spectacularly inept flick on this list.

6. THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS 1957 

"We will take the young female for a ride in your car. I will enjoy being you tonight. She gives me a very strange, very new elation!" -- the giant horny Arousian brain beast that possesses John Agar's body in the intellectual science fiction spectacular, THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS(al).



Gor, an intergalactic giant horny brain from outer space breaks bail and high-tails it to Earth to wreck havoc by possessing the body of a prominent nuclear scientist. Another giant, not-so horny brain named Val is in hot pursuit of Gor to return him to space prison on Arous. Inhabiting the body of a dog, Val tracks Gor who occasionally speaks in third person, often cackles madly, and blows up airplanes with his mind.

It's difficult to imagine that the director of THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958) was the mastermind behind this goofy SciFi favorite. Actually, it wouldn't have been possible without the combined brain power of schlock producer Jacques Marquette, writer Ray Buffum and Howco International -- three names whom proudly bear the bad movie brand. 



Thankfully, Juran has dabbled in his share of 'C' movies; and as much as he'd like to forget the experience, two of the most beloved examples of SciFi hokum bear his name. One is ATTACK OF THE 50FT WOMAN (1958), and the other is this 71 minutes of scholarly sustenance about an evil, easily aroused Arousian brain that repeatedly tries to rape Joyce Meadows while planning to enslave the world. Cult favorite John Agar goes for broke and delivers some amazingly braggadocious dialog with the utmost conviction.

 

Bronson Canyon in Griffith Park California has been used more times in old Hollywood SciFi-horror films than Godzilla has attacked Tokyo; and that's not even counting all the western pictures that shot there. In the 1950s it was a 'B' movie oasis for low budget cinema, and a great place for aliens to make their headquarters. It would seem that every conceivable invader from space, or outsized creature born of radiation exposure has called Bronson Canyon home at some point or other. When the history of crap cinema is written, all those pictures that used the fondly remembered quarry and caves owe an enormous debt. Fangs for the memories! 



7. TEENAGE MONSTER 1958

"You're acting like a baby, Charles, now stop it!" -- Anne Gwynne scolds her son, the Yeti about his tantrums that always end in someone's death.



Now here's something you don't see too often -- a pseudo SciFi--horror--Western. There was the more well known William Beaudine double-retcher of BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA and JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER (1966). About a decade earlier, DP/producer turned director Jacques Marquette was the mastermind behind this terribly terrific tumbleweed tripe.

A giant sparkler (do you sense a trend?) crashes into the Earth exposing a farmer and his son to radioactive rays. The husband dies and the little boy is saved, although he's badly scarred. Aside from the teen title, the "boy" looks to age well into adulthood in spite of the 'seven years later' title card -- although it's difficult to tell considering he sports a thick mane of Yeti hair. Other than a few instances where he miraculously spouts decipherable English, his vocal ability is reduced to mostly mumble speech and gibberish.

"Uh uhhhh uuuuhh un un unnnn uuuuhhhnnkk uhn nnnnnuhhnnn I just wanted to pet the cows 'n he tried to stop me unnnnnnk uuunn uh uh uh unnnn unk unn uhn nnnnuuu ununnhhhhhh...!!!" -- Charles the teenage wolf delivers some crucial dialog during a tense moment in this unforgettable movie.



Whoever thought TEENAGE MONSTER was a good title is anyone's guess; that moniker does fit very well with the young lass who manipulates our allegedly 20 ft. monster (more like 7 ft) into killing anyone that pisses her off. The original title of METEOR MONSTER is more accurate, but apparently all the teen angst-delinquent movies of the day gave the makers an epiphany to formulate that then popular concept into an old west setting and add a hairy creature. They weren't successful at that, either. There's two, count'em two back-to-back dummy deaths! From Howco Pictures. It should have been Howcome?

8. SHE DEMONS 1958

"Jumpin' wonton! Now we're on to somethin'!" -- Chinese guide from Richard Cunha's expensive and dazzling action epic, SHE DEMONS.



One man's cinematic trash is every bad movie lovers treasure; and the immortal Richard Cunha's SHE DEMONS is a bumper crop of crap at its finest. One of the exemplar additions that begs the question, "Why would you even try to polish a turd?" It's the sort of movie Eddie Romero made in the Philippines, but rarely were those as endearingly, and wretchedly watchable as this. Speaking of which, there are two types of wretched -- the type that's unstomachable (is that a word?) and then there's Ed Wood wretched. Then Richard Cunha came along and redefined it.



The grocery list of hilarity is far too long to include here, but the plot alone is enough to whet your appetite for this Hero sammich slathered in mayonnaise and mustard. Cunha's wacky, inept movie feels a bit ahead of its time with its buckets of sleaze potential that would feel right at home in a 70s production. Most definitely check out this bewilderingly bad crum brulee. Check the plot below if you need more convincing.

"If you wish to please me, drop dead!" -- Irish McCalla sends mixed signals in SHE DEMONS.



Four shipwreck survivors are stranded on a tropical island lorded over by a deranged Nazi doctor and his deformed wife. Along with his SS madmen, the mad surgeon conducts experiments on beautiful kidnapped girls in an effort to restore his wife's face. Partially shot in Griffith Park (Bronson Canyon cameo) and on studio sets with crumpled paper bags standing in for rock formations, this six day marvel is the ultimate buffet of bad.

9. FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER 1958



The sex-starved grandson of Frankenstein works as an assistant for an established physician by day, but by night, he's conducting his own diabolical experiments -- the reasons of which are never made quite clear. They involve turning gorgeous women into oatmeal monsters with bad oral hygiene; and building a female creature from various body parts of murdered girls. The end result looks nothing like a woman, but does resemble a burnt marshmallow with eyeballs that walks like it's doing 'The Robot' and Karate chops its victims to death. Meanwhile, John Ashley's hair seems to have a life of its own while reading his lines with the same monotone regardless of what's transpiring onscreen. The closing minutes are utterly stupid with Ashley fending off the monster with a gurney.



The real king of kool krud, Richard "The Big" Cunha, made Four Monstrous Movies of the Apocalypse in 1958 in an effort to usurp the bad movie throne away from the far less imaginative, but no less ambitious Ed Wood. Unlike Wood, Cunha freely admitted he wasn't trying to make high art, nor take his pictures seriously. It's really a shame he didn't do more as Cunha could deliver celluloid junk food the equivalent of a Luther burger with a side order of deep fried candy bars like nobody's business. Ed Wood was White Castle by comparison. And a lot of folks dig White Castle.

10. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE 1956/1959



"One thing's sure... Inspector Clay's dead... murdered... and somebody's responsible!" -- with lawmen this astute on the case, the local citizenry have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Oh, boy. Where to begin. The crowning achievement of rotten, yet very edible bad movies is this Ed Wood classic. For years now, when the subject of turkey gold comes up, PLAN 9 and ROBOT MONSTER are the two most oft mentioned pictures. Both share much in common aside from being wretched beyond belief. Both directors thought they made works of art (just slop some paint on it and call it a Picasso); and both had eye-poppingly dismal dialog and special effects.

As much as monsters and alien invaders loved trampling on Tokyo in Japanese SciFi movies, the same applied to California in American genre flicks. If "the big one" doesn't sink the Golden State, threats from outer and inner space surely will; and in Wood's worst loved movie, the threat is by Unidentified Flying Hubcaps from another galaxy.

"Well, as long as they can think, we'll have our problems."  -- Dudley Manlove never went on to a career in porn, but he did play an alien named Eros in Ed Wood's seminal SciFi epic.



Fed up that man continues to make weapons of war and seemingly ignores the impoverished saucers dangling in the sky from strings, alien invaders from an unknown world decide to implement the dreaded Plan 9. These aliens don't have the money that Klaatu had to afford their own Gort, or ability to freeze the planet -- instead they simply raise the dead via Tor Johnson and Vampira to teach us a thing or two, and later threaten us with something called Solarbanite (or solarnite depending on which actor is saying it). Amazingly, the aliens all wear satin as opposed to angora. See BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (1955) for more Ed Wood nuttiness.

11. TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE 1959

"You have concern for foreign beings over our mission to locate grazing lands for our Gargon herds?!" -- Recall! The aptly named King Moody gets serious and has a look on his face like he's got a wedgie of epic proportions.

Tom Graeff's SciFi tale of interplanetary teen angst concerns a group of aliens planning to use Earth as a breeding ground for Gargon's -- giant lobsters that make sounds like a peacock and are poorly rendered onscreen. One of the young spacemen rebels and is pursued by his compatriots brandishing Focusing Disintegrators (basically aim, fire, evaporate), which emits a flash of light that turns people and animals into bones.



This one is actually pretty decent when you take the bad acting, vacuous dialog, and subpar special effects out of the equation. Among the highlights are the pitifully small UFO the aliens arrive in that somehow manages to accommodate five passengers. It's like clowns in a Volkswagen. The ship itself looks like a jazzed up version of Ed Wood's hubcap flying saucers from PLAN 9. The aliens costumes look fine, although their helmets look borrowed from the Air Force Academy.

"You mean somebody killed Sparky?! Oh, no, Derek, it can't be true. Why would anyone wanna kill Sparky?!" -- Oh my god, they killed Sparky! You bastards!

The aliens make the film memorable with their ruthless, emotionless actions and laughable overacting. Space alien Thor is unforgettable running around Griffith Park turning people into skeletons with his flashlight zap-gun. The movie all but disintegrates during the last half, though, when the laughable Gargon makes its entrance. Essentially the shadow of a lobster is matted into the frame while actors pretend to be threatened by it. At one point, a small rock is thrown at the Gargon knocking it well out of camera view. Story-wise, TFOS has an engaging plot that melds the teen delinquency genre with science fiction.

12. PRINCE OF SPACE 1959

"Attention people of Earth! Attention people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking. Do not be alarmed. Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! Attention people of Earth. I am Ambassador Phantom from the planet Krankor. At this moment, I am rapidly approaching your planet in the warship you have just seen. I will arrive tomorrow night at precisely eight o'clock. At that time, I will make my wishes known to you. You will obey them... or die! Have a pleasant night's sleep! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." -- Ambassador Phantom can't make up his mind if he wants you to be comfortable, wait patiently for an important announcement, or cringe in fear over an invasion by a bunch of aliens that look like they originate from the same planet THE GIANT CLAW came from.



Walter Manley unleashed something awful onto the English speaking world with this edited down version of a two part SciFi schlocker from Japan -- born out of the popularity of a previous television series. It's virtually plot free, and what little there is concerns a mild-mannered shoeshine boy who goes by the name of 'Prince Of Space' battling Krankorian chicken men and their fowl leader, Ambassador Phantom. 



Arguably the films major reason for its induction into the Bad Movie Hall of Shame is Phantom's lazy, lead-footed laugh. It's the most diabolically leisurely chuckle to ever be heard by a planet dominating, evil dictator in movie history. Granted, the Japanese original is a different bird entirely, but somebody over at Bellucci Productions, Inc. apparently thought it'd be a howl to fashion one gigantic faux pas of an English version out of it.

"Ha. Ha. So our Prince Of Space is disguised as a miserable bootblack! Clever. We never would have picked him up without the X-Radar!" -- when all else fails, pack your script with judicious uses of the letters 'X' and 'Z' for maximum villainousness.



The filmmakers were obviously aware of the quality of their picture considering the dozens of extras playing Phantom's poultry militia all wear shirts emblazoned with the letter 'Z'. They're skintight and aren't very flattering on the cast members having to wear them. Thankfully, their faces are obscured by nose appliances or ridiculously large visors. Surely somebody working on the film had to wonder about the sake intake of the production crew.

Not to be overcooked, there were other nutty Japanese superhero movies of this sort and vintage. Most popular would have to be SUPER GIANT, a late 50s series of nine films that were edited, and or crammed into four TV features again by Walter Manley in the mid 1960s. These were ATOMIC RULERS OF THE WORLD, INVADERS FROM SPACE, ATTACK FROM SPACE and EVIL BRAIN FROM OUTER SPACE. INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN (1961) and GOLDEN BAT (1966) are two others -- both starring Sonny Chiba. PRINCE OF SPACE is the "worst" of these. It's a lot of fun, but it has the power to try the patience of even the most iron clad of bad movie buffs constitutions.

Well there you have it -- 12 of the best of SciFi's worst. It's been an adventure, folks, but this concludes another broadcast day of programming. There are many more unsung treasures for your bad movie perusal to come. Until next time, keep watching the tube!




THE END?