Bonehill Road (2017) review

BONEHILL ROAD 2017

Eli DeGeer (Emily Stevens), Ana Rojas Plumberg (Eden Stevens), Linnea Quigley (Suzy), Millie Milan (Tina), Dilynn Fawn Harvey (Lucy), Gary Kent (Rhett Tanner), Douglas Epps (Coen Anders)

Directed by Todd Sheets

The Short Version: If you're into terrible movies, and particularly terrible werewolf movies akin to 1995s THE HOWLING VII: NEW MOON RISING, then take a wrong turn down BONEHILL ROAD. Crowd funded and heavily hyped for its use of practical effects, signs lead you to think this is a Howling good time; only things quickly detour into Texas Chainsaw territory when the plot shifts to the home of a cannibalistic serial killer. Meanwhile, the werewolves--which is what the film is supposed to be about--infrequently bear their fangs and claws, but appear domesticated in their idleness; open doors by the handle and possess a curious inability to break through glass. Bad acting, bad gore effects, and bad camerawork await you on this dead end street. One decent acting role out of the bunch, a handful of eerie photographic shots and surprisingly efficient monster suits are the only positive aspects of this misanthropic Lycan-throw-up.

After escaping her abusive husband, Emily Stevens and her daughter run afoul of werewolves and a crazed man with a fondness for human flesh.

Like any other sub-genre, werewolf movies run the gamut in quality. You have classic examples like THE WOLF MAN (1941) and AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981); fun, inventive entries like PROJECT: METALBEAST (1995) and DOG SOLDIERS (2002); and then there's execrable were-shit like THE HOWLING VII: NEW MOON RISING (1995) and BONEHILL ROAD (2017)--a film heavily ballyhooed for its reliance on practical effects and receiving an enormous amount of unwarranted praise giving the impression it's the top of the crop when it has more in common with the bottom of the barrel.

Reviews for BONEHILL ROAD are overwhelmingly positive with some laughably placing it alongside real classics like AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and THE HOWLING (both 1981); while others claim you're not a real fan of horror if you don't like this poorly made, gory gobbledygook. Reportedly winning at least one horror festival award for Best Feature, the mind boggles at how inadequate the competition must have been.

To put it both mildly and succinctly, BONEHILL ROAD is a boneheaded mess. Marketed as a werewolf movie, the hairy hominids are barely in the film at all. Lycanthropic cinema is cursed with a legion of flea-infested entries and BONEHILL ROAD runs ahead of the pack; a plotless, thoroughly awful movie that's mostly about a serial killer torturing captured women at a secluded house while the least motivated, uncharacteristically mannerly werewolves stand around outside waiting their cue to casually enter the domicile for dinner.

Within the first few painful minutes, director Todd Sheets dares you to turn his movie off after assailing viewers with some of the most atrocious acting you've seen in years along with a slew of plot holes and continuity errors; one such goof is that some people scratched or bitten by a werewolf turn while others never do. 

Ana Rojas Plumberg is the only actor who puts forth any effort. With only two credits thus far, hopefully she gets more work but in better movies. In this, her second role, her energy doesn't go unnoticed in a sea of lethargy that drowns everyone else. 

Even when actors are required to do little more than run, there's no conviction or sense of urgency. Nor is there much focus in the nonsensical script by director Todd Sheets, a veteran of SOV (Shot On Video) movies; those camcorder crapfests that clogged video store shelves in the 1980s with titles like SLEDGEHAMMER (1983), VIDEO VIOLENCE (1987), CRAZY FAT ETHEL 2 (1987), 555 (1988) and REDNECK ZOMBIES (1989).

The camerawork is likewise devoid of any quality. Aside from a few establishing shots (see above) that, while creating mood, evaporates it within seconds. The rest of the photography is sloppy--made up primarily of close-ups that renders the action nearly indecipherable. The extreme close-ups likewise wreck havoc with the already destitute gore effects.

The werewolves fare no better. The suits and masks are surprisingly effective although their potency is ruined by the indolence of the actors wearing them. They're mostly immobile--unable to catch victims that, if they were moving any slower they'd be going in reverse. These wolf men are possibly the most inert, lackadaisical ever captured on film. They open doors by their handles; can't break through glass; display virtually zero strength; and mostly stand around snarling for the camera till the boring siege on the house during the last 10 minutes.

If you haven't seen the 1980s most popular Scream Queen, Linnea Quigley (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD; SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT) in a while, you can do so here for about five minutes. One of Coen's victims, she quickly comes to a bad end, spilling phony-looking viscera. Her character's corpse turns up later on sitting in a chair with the hole in her stomach seemingly having miraculously healed and nary a drop of blood on her.

Despite all the hype surrounding the wolf men, the bulk of the film is centered around the aforementioned Coen cannibal character and his handful of torture victims tied up throughout the house. The werewolves--who don't really do anything till the last ten minutes--feel like they've been tacked on. There's no explanation for their presence or even a reason for being in the movie. Nothing revelatory is done with Coen, either. If this was a movie with a sense of direction, Coen would turn out to be the leader of the wolf men or something else of consequence to tie the two plot points together.

Reportedly budgeted at approximately $15,000 (its indiegogo campaign is a little over $22,000), this crowdfunded project certainly wears its monetarily emaciated budget with pride. Reviewers raving about this being the best werewolf movie in years raises questions as to whether such praise was done via payoff or at gunpoint. To paraphrase, a number of these reviews are calling BONEHILL ROAD a "throwback to old-style werewolf films." Proclamations such as that are only half-right; most definitely "throw it back". And if you're going to bring back 80s horror, at least bring it back as a good movie.

This review is representative of the Wild Eye Releasing DVD. Extras: Behind the scenes; running time: 01:25:05

All Through the House (2015) review

ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE 2015

Ashley Mary Nunes (Rachel Kimmel), Jessica Cameron (Sheila), Melynda Kiring (Ms. Garrett), Lito Velasco (Killer), Natalie Montera (Gia Wilson), Danica Riner (Sarah Hayes)

Directed by Todd Nunes

The Short Version: The Night He Came Home... For Christmas. A new seasonal slasher is coming to town in the form of this meagerly financed, but effective little stocking stuffer that homages slashers and other horrors of Christmas past. The acting is mostly weak, but the production is uniformly strong everywhere else; including an impressive score by Irving Victoria. For genre fans, it's a gift you'll likely not be returning. There are some shocking surprises in this HOUSE if only you'd go inside. 

Ms. Garrett, a seemingly nice but noticeably disturbed woman, keeps an effigy in her house of her daughter Jaime, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances years earlier. Rachel Kimmel is Ms. Garrett's neighbor, a lovely young lady who was Jaime's only childhood friend. On Christmas Eve, Ms. Garrett asks Rachel if she would mind helping to decorate her house while she's out for the evening. Unknown to Rachel, she has a twisted connection with the Garrett family. Meanwhile, a maniac in a Santa Claus suit is stalking the streets.

Director Todd Nunes is dreaming of a blood-red Christmas just like the one's he used to know; wrapping up some shocking surprises to go with the familiar material. If you're looking for an overtly sleazy holiday horror antidote for last year's big budgeted, dark, but PG13 KRAMPUS (2015), look no further than this return to 1980s style slashers.... only not the slashers of the early 80s, but the cut-priced carvers of the mid-80s onward.

ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE is, in many ways, extremely well made for a film that looks like it was financed by a bucket of quarters obtained by a jingle bell-carrying employee of the Salvation Army while greeting patrons at Wal Mart. Compared with other independently made horrors of today, Nunes does a phenomenal job with very little resources at his disposal.

Astonishingly, for such a low budget picture, the technical aspects have the same level of polish as you'd find on a bigger budgeted production. There have been many financially emaciated genre features over the years that failed to display even a modicum of the talent on display here. About the worst that can be said is that some of the performances aren't very convincing.

The director's sister, the absolutely stunning Ashley Mary Nunes, is the main star. She fares better in some scenes than in others; yet I could watch her walk around a house for two hours and would be entertained. A beautiful actress who hopefully has many more opportunities in her future.

Melynda Kiring is the film's ace in the hole. Akin to receiving a surprise Christmas gift you didn't expect to get, Ms. Kiring is the Grinch Who Stole the Christmas Horror Movie. She's fantastic as the loony Ms. Garrett, a reclusive headcase with a fondness for mannequins. From her first few scenes you know she is clearly not the stable type. Is she the killer? You'll have to watch and find out. A few surprises await inside this HOUSE.

This being the type of film it is, it's a given you'll have people who do incredibly stupid things. The Ten Commandments of Slasher Movies are broken in ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE. Thou Shalt Not Stand Against A Door Whilst Being Chased By A Killer Bearing Bladed Implements; Thou Shalt Not Stick Thy Head Out From Under A Bed With Thine Enemy In the Room; Thou Shalt Not Remain In Household Where Electricity Doth Not Worketh; Thou Shalt Not Stand Naked Before Thine Enemy Ready To Clip Thy Manhood.... and so on and so forth. Additionally, a minor misstep of off-timing occurs during the end fight that gives the impression there wasn't a lot of time for re-takes. Now, with the deficiencies out of the way....

There are some clever editing and camera segues that belies any of the negatives the film possesses. The look of the picture captures the spirit of the holiday to such a large degree, it would seem a generous chunk of the budget may have went to decorations and Christmas lights. The sheer number of December-centric paraphernalia is enough to fully stock the Christmas section of any of your finer big chain stores; it's even more remarkable that the filmmakers shot the movie in July. The same can be said for the art decor, lighting and soundtrack. The villain's lair, for example, is so rich in atmospheric creativity, I couldn't help but think Robert Burns was an influence.

Additionally, Nunes and his crew are able to build some surprisingly potent suspense--due in no small part to a surprisingly powerful score by Irving Victoria. One of the best of these sequences is when a victim-to-be is taking items out of a refrigerator, the camera following her moves as she places sandwich items on a table where a pair of garden shears sits patiently... waiting for its owner to pick it up as soon as the camera motions back towards the fridge. Over 30 years on, these instances are now easily telegraphed, but it's fun watching the filmmakers do them with a degree of seriousness as opposed to the nauseating winking of so many of today's horror entries. There's some black humor now and then, but it never overpowers the accent towards terror.

 
The crew have a deep affection for the material that is undeniable. Nunes (who also wrote the script) has obviously seen HALLOWEEN (1978) and FRIDAY THE 13th (1980) a number of times--sprinkling a number of well placed "Look out! He's right behind you!" moments that recall the ingenuity of that 1978 classic; and a major plot point that references the latter splatter favorite... the film arguably (and largely) responsible for the slasher wave of the 1980s. There are many other instances in ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE--whether intended or not--that bring to mind various greats from yesteryear....

Every time Ms. Garrett was onscreen (from her look to her wardrobe) I couldn't help but be reminded of Ms. Mac from Bob Clark's seminal seasonal slasher, BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974); There's a fantastic homage to the holiday horror segment of TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972); a nighttime chase sequence resembles the one in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974); the killer's mask looks similar to the one worn by the killer at the end of TERROR TRAIN (1980) only it's painted in a darker shade of charcoal; Ms. Garrett's mannequin fetish brings MANIAC (1981) to mind; elsewhere, a scene on a bed is tipping its hat to ALONE IN THE DARK from 1982; further, the lovely lady on the bed is reading a novelization of the twisted classick from 1982, BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER (see insert).

Naturally, there's a passing resemblance to the notorious SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984); not the first killer Santa movie, but the most controversial. That film received an unnecessary, and atrocious, remake in 2012 under the simplified title of SILENT NIGHT. ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, on the other hand, aims to sleaze, ending up the superior Santa slasher successor.

One other area where this movie shines as bright as Rudolph's red nose is in the gore department. There's an abundance of it. It's all practical. There is no CGI in sight. There's a mean-spiritedness to the brutality that echoes the slow, lingering deaths of the middle-tiered slasher from 1981, THE PROWLER. Our killer Santa's favorite weapon of choice are garden shears (like those clippers used by Cropsy in THE BURNING from 1981); although he does indulge in other methods of dispatch.

Covering all the slasher basics, and doing it well with impoverished means, it will be interesting to see what director Todd Nunes comes up with next... possibly a story of Halloween? A definite surprise for horror fans, ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE is at times unsettling, and often visually satisfying. The makers of this movie have definitely put a lot of effort into a small Christmas package filled with gore, T&A, and a lot of love. Low budget 80s horror was, in many instances, very special... and this holiday inspired tribute holds up that tradition.

This review is representative of the FilmRise DVD. Specs and Extras: 16x9 anamorphic 1:85.1 widescreen; filmmaker/cast commentary; trailer; running time: 01:28:18

31 (2016) review

 
31

Sherri Moon Zombie (Charly), Jeff Daniel Phillips (Roscoe Pepper), Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (Panda Thomas), Meg Foster (Venus Virgo), Kevin Jackson (Levon Wally), Malcolm McDowell (Father Napoleon Horatio Silas Murder), Jane Carr (Sister Serpent), Judy Geeson (Sister Dragon), Richard Brake (Doom Head), Pancho Moler (Sick Head), David Ury (Schizo Head), Lew Temple (Psycho Head), Torsten Voges (Death Head), E.G. Daily (Sex Head), Michael "Red Bone" Alcott (Fat Randy), Esperanza America (Snoopy), Andrea Dora (Trixie), Tracey Walter (Lucky Leo), Ginger Lynn Allen (Cherry Bomb), Daniel Roebuck (Pastor Victor)

Directed by Rob Zombie

The Short Version: Rob Zombie's newest hillbilly freakshow finds an homogeneous group of Texas carnies captured by, of all things, European aristocrats doused in powder who force them to play a Halloween all-nighter called 31. The game requires they be chased by psychopathic clowns with chainsaws, axes and knives. If they survive 12 hours, they can go free. Viewers only have to survive 103 minutes of this garbage. Partially funded by his fans, the result is as hazardous as deep fried Twinkies but tastes nowhere near as good. Excruciating to watch, Rob Zombie's plotless nightmare is an endurance test of horrible storytelling and more atrocious dialog than you can squeeze into a clown car.

On Halloween night, a van-load of carnival workers are captured by a posse of insane clowns. They are taken to an abandoned factory where three British aristocrats gather once a year to play '31', a psychotic death game where participants are given 12 hours to survive the night while selected gladiatorial clowns hunt them down for sport.

Step right up for the lamest show on Earth. Rob Zombie's ultimate clown opus falls well short of its greasepaint-fueled aspirations. With just 1.5 million to play with, a grand, Big Top nightmare is unattainable; settling for five soulless, interchangeable characters being stalked inside an abandoned factory by a bunch of Europeans in the Southern United States(???). There's only one sequence that resembles a carnival motif; the rest of the time it's the same bland color palette of all your finer post-apocalyptic cheapies shot in and around rusted-out factories.

If the setting couldn't get any less enticing, Zombie is yet again clownin' around with his script; fillin' it full o' expletives, rousingly bad dialog, interminably juvenile sex talk, and the most unfunny jokes imaginable. Zombie has said in interviews he makes his characters real.... in what universe is this? Extremely mean-spirited, nasty and foul, the director fails once more to capitalize on his cruelty--it being undone by mercilessly over-the-top characters and the elementary school level dialog he gives them to speak.

Regarding the script, this is one of the most pointless of recent memory. There's absolutely zero redeeming qualities. Populated by a plethora of underwritten characters, the film is left with nothing but its blood and gore to sell itself... yet Zombie finds a way to make sadism boring. The kills are the Zombie standard--just stab a dozen or more times; or sever something after delivering the director's four-letter favorite. The goriest sequence (it involves a chainsaw) is a carbon copy of the same death from the underrated THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006); only in that film you can actually see what's happening. Speaking of what you can't see.....

Haters of shaky cam, prepare for photography that looks like the DP had his camera strapped to his back during a bar fight. The camera is constantly moving--zigzagging, turned to the side, or this awkward, jagged, zoom-in and zoom-out. You can't even appreciate Wayne Toth's FX because the cameraman thinks you can see it all better while he does jumping jacks. The action scenes fare the worst since you can't make out what the hell is happening.

 
There's one particularly good scene--a dinner scene--that riffs on a similar one from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975). Elsewhere, Zombie incorporates this eerie musical marionette display that recalls TOURIST TRAP (1978). Other nods are in the music; you'll hear a distinctly familiar cue of unsettling dissonance from SUSPIRIA (1977) and another from THE FOG (1980).

What little creativity of 31 begins and ends with its title--the significance being the last day in October. Set on October 31st, 1976, Zombie's fascination with the holiday never translates to the film's atmosphere. We hear 'Happy Halloween' several times but not once does the movie capture that autumnal flavor. The first 30 minutes defaults to Zombie's usual remake of Hooper's THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) before mutating into SALO (1975) meets THE RUNNING MAN (1987) by way of HOSTEL (2005).

If you've seen his previous examples of Hillbilly Horror, you already know what to expect. 31 could easily be a quasi-sequel to his Firefly flicks. Even Zombie's HALLOWEEN abortions resemble REJECTS close cousins. After trying to display some diversity with the wearisome witch tale, LORDS OF SALEM (2012), the director regresses, returning to the safe-haven of his carnival oasis.

Malcolm McDowell, seemingly inspired by the GANDHI (1982) and SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993) actor, Ben Kingsley's forays into trash cinema, is enjoying(?) a similar trajectory. To compare the two, Kingsley has only done a single Uwe Boll trainwreck, while McDowell has managed to star in, thus far, three of Rob Zombie's pratfall horrors. McDowell made a horrible Sam Loomis in the two HALLOWEEN do-overs; and evokes nothing as the powder-headed lord of some pompous order of devil-worshipers in 31. This isn't McDowell's fault, but Zombie's for writing such a worthless character for him to play and giving him nothing of substance to say.

Sheri Moon Zombie is once more a headliner in her husband's movie.... and, unlike her star turn in the sleep-inducing LORDS OF SALEM (2012), she doesn't feel like this movie's lead. She's in nearly every scene but you never "see" her. She, like most everybody else, has a personality equatable to the rusted metal of the film's primary setting. The pinnacle of her performance is dry-jacking Tracey Walters (CONAN THE DESTROYER [1984]), playing a caricature of a hick gas station attendant. Mrs. Zombie gets a lot of flack for her acting, but in this case, she's given nothing memorable to do nor anything to say worth remembering.

Richard Brake keeps his foot on the accelerator as Doom Head, the film's one character of substance.... but unfortunately, he gets drunk on the retarded dialog and Zombie excess, eventually crashing into a wall, becoming yet another casualty of this fruitless exercise. If Brake looks familiar, he was the doomed ambulance attendant in HALLOWEEN 2 (2009). If you recall, he spends a few minutes looking into the camera and inexplicably spouts 'FUCK' a couple dozen times after the driver rams into a cow crossing the road. As Doom Head, Brake's murderous jester is reminiscent of Bill Moseley's Otis from Zombie's previous freakshows but with shorter hair.

The other clowns are, for all their variance, as bland as everything else. Bearing names like Sick Head (a Spanish Nazi midget); Psycho Head (wielding a chainsaw that says 'Dick Head' on it); Schizo Head (the other half of the redneck chainsaw tag-team); Sex Head (a creepy, Harley Quinn type); Death Head (a German weirdo wearin' a tutu); some others are mentioned--blessed with such creative monikers as Bash Head and Rage Head--but never seen.

Meg Foster, having played a boring witch in LORDS OF SALEM, returns to Zombie Land for a much bigger role, but no less staying power. As Venus Virgo--the owner of the traveling carnival--Foster is no more distinguishable than anybody else in the cast. She's a tough character but Zombie does nothing to allow her to stand out. Cut like Linda Hamilton in TERMINATOR 2 (1991) but looking like Boris Karloff in THE MUMMY (1932), Foster does get to appear in the film's sole tense send-off. Foster is a fine actress. It's embarrassing watching her deliver Zombie's infantile dialog since so much of it is poisoned by unnecessary dollops of vaginal or phallic jargon.

Do you remember WELCOME BACK, KOTTER (1975-1979)? The former Sweathog, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, sums up 31 best with the line, "all I see is a bunch of nothin'". Lawrence was Washington on the cult TV show, but is nearly unrecognizable playing a Jamaican carny. He does fine playing his role, only again, he's given very little to do or say of any importance. It's not possible to root for, or care about, people who are written as stick figures.

Unable to secure financing from the usual methods, Zombie went the crowdfunding route. What's interesting about this is that Mr. Zombie claims he's making a political statement with his movie--about the 'Haves and the Have Nots'. The absurdity of this is that, while taking his successful career as a musician into consideration, his net worth of 40 million dollars eclipses the average income of the people he's begging money from. Granted, the amount of money from fans was only a portion of an already minuscule budget.

The first of two Crowdfunding campaigns began in July of 2014 with the re-launch in February of 2015. Eventually, Bow + Arrow Entertainment picked up the tab co-financing with another company called Protagonist Pictures. It's telling that regular citizens were needed to punch up the movie if studios didn't have enough faith to fully finance what is ostensibly a shoe-string budget. But hey, all the better to capture that 70s vibe... one thing Rob Zombie does do well; he can at least be counted on to capture the right look and atmosphere.

Originally, distribution of 31 was to be handled by indie company Alchemy, but financial problems caused the picture to be sold off to another indie outfit, Saban Films. Strangely, instead of a limited release, the film received a limited-limited release... in 400 theaters for one night only, on September 1st, 2016; or, you could see it on iTunes. The film is set for another limited run on October 20th... for one night, and one showing, only.

Writing a Rob Zombie review is as redundant as the film's themselves; and like his previous efforts, the director does manage some fleeting moments that shows a really good filmmaker just itching to wipe off the clown makeup and find himself. Sadly, it appears as long as Zombie is writing his movies, they're as doomed as the characters in 31... and the viewers watching it. 

Running time: 01:43:10.